This is for the birthday girls of last week: Juli and Wendy, and today's: Laura! I figured since so many fantasies were posted last week, I'd spread the birthday wealth! This was also inspired by the post Debbie C. made last week on 'The Problem with First Season Episodes.' **************************************************************************** Missing Nunkies by Bonnie Rutledge Part One: The Problem with First Season Episodes It's your birthday, and you've been feted for days, make that weeks in advance. It's been fun hearing all those wild adventures the other addicts have been describing to celebrate the passing of another year. Great, just great. Only you still don't have Nunkies. Sometimes your imagination just isn't enough. Sometimes you need to hear the sound of Lacroix's voice, or see his face, those blue eyes staring out at you from the screen, holding the mysteries of his troubled dark and limitless soul. Sometimes, even the webpage isn't enough to satisfy your longings, because that Nunkies doesn't move. You can't listen to the rich tones of his voice and admire each minute twist to his expression simultaneaously, either. There are times when you must see Nunkies do his thing on your television set. You flick on the TV and settle into your favorite squooshy chair and wait expectantly for the teaser scene. you think, feeling a fantasy coming on. for you...mmmm...no, *with* you! Now *that* would be a blanket fight! Spoon me, Nunkies!> You've become nothing but a puddle of addict flesh at these thoughts, muttering phrases like 'firm inner-spring' and 'two-for-one.' The sound of his voice during the opening FK credits leaves you wallowing in your own drool. You need Nunkies, immediatement! Alas, the dreaded genital herpes commercial comes on after the credits' end-growl, immediately resolidifying you as only a true Anti-Nunklear Device can. You sit stiffly in the corner of your sofa, waiting patiently for the arrival of Lacroix. The episode title shows promise - it's "For I Have Sinned." Now if that's not a phrase referring to Nunkies, what is? He's sinned, sinned some more, and if LC was willing to indulge some more in your General direction, well, let the sin begin! You rub your hands together in greedy anticipation. Then the first flashback comes and goes, no there's no Nunkies in sight. None, nada, niente, de rien, yadayadayada. The other guy looked pretty good for a change, and he was kind of acting like LaCroix. Still, it's not the same as seeing LaCroix. You got to see Jeanne d'Arc, though. Big whup deal - WHERE'S NUNKIES!?!? He should be there, in chainmail, luring, tempting Joni to her darkest desires. You have a fantasy moment, picturing yourself as a shepherdess on a holy mission. You sense that Nunkies is watching you, desiring you, hungering for you. He offers to bring you across... Ta-dah! Career change! Who needs to be a saint when you can join Nunkies Incorporarted?! You'll just pull Nunkies over to some dark, secluded corner and see if that nasty chainmail chafes vampire skin... And another commercial comes on, this one offering ten free minutes with an honest-to-goodness psychic. Well, you must be psychic, 'cause you know an Anti-Nunklear Device when you see it. Now if there was a number where you could discuss your future, your fantasies, with Lacroix himself...Two words: SPEED DIAL. You realize that you've wigged out again when, after regaining your composure, you see Nick in a church. You see Nick duck into a confessional booth. Your attention wanders for a brief second. Schanke enters the other side of the confessional booth, and that other guy pretends he's a priest! Hee Hee. You catch yourself laughing at the dialogue, even thinking that the other guy can be cute when he lightens up - AAACCCKKK!!! You bolt to your feet and begin to pace the floor in front of your TV set. This is terrible. Absolutely and unmitigatedly terrible. For a single nanosecond, you actually caught yourself being *attracted* to Nick!! You collapse to the floor, sobbing and wailing in distress. "Oh, the humanity! The horror! The horror! Is there no one who can save me?!? I'm feeling like a ...*gasp!*... CONDEMMNED BIMBO!!!! Waaaaahhhhh!!!!" * * * * * Will our birthday girls be rescued from certain doom? Will they start using their teeth instead of a corkscrew like well-mannered folk? Will they purchase Universal remotes and a pet cactus? Will they acquire the sudden urge to add a brick patio onto their homes? Be sure to stay tuned part 2 of 'Missing Nunkies,' and find out! *************************************************************************** When we left part one, the poor addict heroine was suffering from the lack of Nunkies in 'For I Have Sinned.' She was so traumatized, in fact, that for a fraction of an instant, she actually found herself *attracted* to the other guy. I know, kids, it's not a pretty thought, but this is a SciFi/*HORROR* show we're dealing with. And now for the droolicious conclusion of: Missing Nunkies Part Two: Every Problem Has a Cure "Waaaahhh!" You continue crying, then start to *bonk!* your forehead against the television screen as the images of Nicky-poo in chainmail continue to prevail. "Make that other guy go away! It hurts!" There is a sudden gust of air, as though every window of your house opened at once. You wrap your arms around your shoulders, shivering as your skin breaks out in goosebumps. You hear a soft melody come from behind you; the sound of a solo violin. As the music gradually crescendos, you wipe your eyes, damn your lack of emergency Kleenex and makeup supplies, and turn around, daring hope against hope that there, you will find... NUNKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's lounged out on your sofa in his blue scrubs, stethoscope around his neck, violin and bow in his hands. Seeing that he has your attention, Lacroix stops playing and sets his musical instrument aside. He picks up his medical instrument instead, swaying his stethoscope like a hypnotic pendulum with his right hand. He stares silently in your eyes for several seconds, then gracefully extends a palm straight toward you. A warm shiver travels down your spine and swirls a few times around your abdomen when you notice the seductive curve of his lips moving as Lacroix whispers: "Come here." Who knew you could move so fast? Maybe you should consider doing sprints in Track & Field for the next Olympics. If only there were night games, and Nunkies was your personal trainer....*sigh* You curl up on the sofa next to Lacroix and wind your arms around his neck. Trailing your index finger around the part of the stethoscope that brushes his throat, you blink up at Lacroix with your best 'I-Am-A-Poor- Addict-In-Need-O'-Wuv-And-Attention' look and say, "Oh, Lucien, I am so glad that you're here! My night has been absolutely terrible so far! I'm feeling all woozy and upset!" *Blink-Blink* *dainty sniff* "But I *know* you can make it ALL BETTER." Lacroix brushes your tear away with an elegant, cool finger. "Perhaps Dr. Nunkies should give you a physical examination to see what may be the trouble." "Good idea," you agree. "I'll have to loosen your clothing," Lacroix murmurs. "I don't have a problem with that." Lacroix gives you a knowing look, then pulls the stethoscope off of his throat. "Let's discard this irritating instrument." He carelessly tosses the stethoscope aside. "Metal can be so impersonal, don't you think? I would much rather evaluate your health in a closer inspection. Hands-on, you understand." "That's reasonable," you agree enthusiastically. "There's something else about doctors that bothers me, Lucien, besides those icky stethoscopes. I feel I must confess..." "Go on," he commands, and you feel powerless to resist. "I find something impersonal about scrubs, too. You look wonderful wearing them, of course, but I can't help but feel like the material is a barrier between us..." "Hmmm...Excellent point, my dear. I want you to be comfortable with our doctor-patient relationship. I believe the only solution is that I take the scrubs off." You feel mellow, yet excited down to your toes as you watch Lacroix dispose of his blue cotton shirt. The silly first season episode lacking any Nunkies scenes and the stress it caused you are both distant memories. As Lacroix reaches for the drawstring at his waist, you feel overcome with the desire to share your new feverish symptoms.... **************************************************************************** By the power invested in me by PG-13, the birthday fantasy stops there! Happy Birthday, Gals!