******************************************************
****************

The Nether Regions of the Soul!-- A Forever 
Knight/Simpsons XOVER by Heather Poinsett.  Copyright 
1996.

disclaimers: This is an extremely silly story that 
takes place somewhere before the third season of FK 
(we haven't decided when yet!) and the seventh season 
of The Simpsons (Does it really matter when???)

Dorian, the archivist, is not my character.  He 
belongs to Susan Garrett.  She was kind enough to let 
me borrow him for this story.  (Thanks again Susan!)

All the FK characters are owned by T.P.T.B. at Sony 
and James Parriott.  The Simpsons and their crazy 
friends are the products of Matt Groening's 
imagination.  I'm just borrowing the characters to 
satisfy some weird twisted need of my own.

******************************************************
***************

I can't believe I forgot to mention my beta readers. 
Thanks, virtual roses and hugs to Cousin Caile, 
Rebecca Mckenna, Shirley Davis, Debra Ann Fiorini, 
Marg Rothschild and Cousin Jen.

Big thanks to my significant other, Chris.  He has 
helped me in so many ways, I can't begin to name them 
all.  He has been the creator of many ideas that 
helped me bring Nick and his family and the Simpsons 
clan together.

Also big thanks to my best friend and first beta 
reader, Laura Aaron.  If she thinks it's weird, I know 
it's perfect!


PART ONE
******************************************************
********

Dorian: "Homer as usual, is downing beers at Moe's 
Tavern.  It's been a tough day for our favorite safety 
inspector in sector 7-G.  Homer was relating his 
problems to Moe and Barney."

"The guys just don't care!  They left me with just 
ordinary plain donuts AGAIN!!!  Just because I was an 
hour and a half late for work."

"That's too bad Homer."  Moe put down one glass and 
picked up another to clean.  

"Yeah Homer, maybe you could..."  Barney was 
interrupted as a tall beautiful dark-haired woman 
entered the bar.

Janette surveyed the surroundings of Moe's tavern.  
She had missed owning The Raven and decided to open a 
nightclub in Springfield.

The brain-dead patrons at Moe's look her way and began 
whistling.

"Wow! It's not even lady's night!"  Barney said, 
belching immediately afterwards in what he believed 
was a seductive manner.

"What a bunch of slobs!"  Janette thought to herself.  
"This location is perfect though". 

She turned and smiled charmingly at Moe.

"Your bar," she said in her lilting accent, "you will 
sell it to me."  Her eyes gleamed and sparkled with 
the tiniest bit of gold.

Homer watched as Moe's eyes went blank.

"Yes I will sell the bar to you," said Moe.  "for a 
million dollars."

Janette shook her head.  "You will sell it to me for 
$500."

Moe nodded his head.  "Okay la-di-da frog lady.  
You've got yourself a bar."  

Moe grabbed the 5 hundred dollar bills Janette handed 
him, jumped over the counter and ran out of the bar.

"Now I can buy that book I've always wanted."  Moe 
thought to himself as he ran to the hobby store.

"Gimme that autographed copy of 'Happiness is a Naked 
Steve Allen'," he yelled to the store owner.

Meanwhile back at Moe's Tavern--

"All right you clumsy oafs!  Out of my club," yelled 
Janette.  She snapped her fingers and several of her 
vampire friends appeared in the door to throw out 
Moe's customers.

"Hey," yelled Homer, grabbing his beer, "I'm not done 
yet."

Janette grabbed him by his cuff and tossed him out 
into the street.

"You can't do this to me," bellowed Homer.  He stomped 
his foot and entered the bar again.

Janette looked at him coldly, "Must I throw you out 
again, you buffoon?"  

"That's not necessary.  I'm just here to get my coat,"  
Homer replied huffily.

Even though Homer was quick to retrieve his coat, 
Janette's friends still 'escorted' him to the 
sidewalk.

Janette rubbed her hands together.  Ideas were running 
through her head.  Marvelous ideas for her new club.

"Damn," she murmured as the phone interrupts her.

"Allo," she said into the mouthpiece.


"Hi.  I'm calling for Clothes-off.  First name, 
Oliver."

Janette hung up the phone, angered by this weak 
attempt at a practical joke.

"The first thing that changes here is the phone 
number." Janette mumbled to herself.

However, she decided to wait a bit before going to all 
that trouble.  She picked up the phone again and 
dialed a number.

"LaCroix," she purred into the phone, "C'est moi."

******************************************************
******************

Part deux--disclaimers same as part one

Homer walked in the doorway where Marge was waiting 
for him with her sisters.

"Hi Homie,"  Marge said with a smile.

"D'Oh,"  Homer slapped himself in the forehead as he 
saw Patty and Selma.

"A perfect end to a perfect day," he thought to 
himself.

"What's your problem, Homer," asked Bart.

"Oh...some French lady bought Moe's Tavern today, and 
the guys at work took all the fancy donuts," grumbled 
Homer.  "No more Duff with the guys."

"Not like you need any more," noted Patty, staring 
fixedly at Homer's stomach. Selma and her snickered 
together as they exhaled cigarette smoke.

"Oh Homie..," said Marge placatingly.  "I'm sure you 
can find someplace else to drink with your friends.  
Oh we're having pork chops tonight!  Your favorite."

"Woo Hoo,"  Homer raised his fist in the air, 
forgetting about Moe's for the moment.

******************************************************
************

Part deux--b 

(Back in Toronto)

Dorian: "Nick was sitting down in his loft, angsting 
as usual.  It's after work and he was watching the sun 
rise in the east.  There had not been a violent crime 
in Toronto for the last two weeks."

"How can this be happening," Nick thought to himself.  
He was angry with himself for being upset that there 
were no crimes for him to solve.

The phone rang and he let the answering machine take 
it.

"Nicholas...I know you are there."

Nick cringed at the sound of LaCroix's voice.  He 
leaned over to pick up the receiver and then thought 
better of it.

LaCroix sighed on the phone.  "Janette has recently 
acquired a bar in Springfield."

Nick's eyes lit up.  The Springfield in the USA with 
the horribly corrupt police department?  The same 
Springfield with the 'counterfeit jeans' ring?

Nick picked up the phone.  "When does she want us to 
visit, LaCroix?"

At the Raven, LaCroix leaned back in his chair and 
smiled.  He picked up his glass and brought it to his 
lips.  A fresh start in Springfield is just what they 
needed.  It was time to move on, or at least it was 
time for a vacation.

******************************************************
***********

Part Trois 

(Back in Springfield-- a few days after Janette's 
phone call to Toronto)

Dorian: "When we last left the Simpsons, Homer was 
whining about the loss of Moe's bar. Janette has 
bought Moe's Tavern and is designing it to be a 'new 
and improved' Raven."

"Homer and Marge are in bed.  Marge was listening to 
Homer go on and on about the changes at Moe's Tavern."

******************************************************
*********

"It's all different Marge,"  Homer griped.  "There 
aren't anymore pool tables.  Barney and I couldn't 
even get in there today." 

Marge was reading 'Homemaker's Weekly' and uh-huh'ed 
noncommittally.  Homer continued talking about the 
mysterious bar owner who was reputed to be richer than 
Mr. Burns.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door and Bart ran 
into the room with Maggie at his side.

"Uh Homer, Mom, please let me sleep with you," begged 
Bart.  "I had an awful dream that vampires were taking 
over the city."

For once even Bart was scared.

"Bart how many times have I told you not to eat 
Krusty-O's before you go to bed?"  Marge asked.  "You 
know they give you nightmares."

"Yeah boy, haven't I told you that vampires are make-
believe just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos," added 
Homer.  "If it wasn't for you and all that noise 
across the street, I'd be asleep now."

"The new neighbors!  I forgot about them,"  Bart 
groaned.  "I hope they aren't friends of the 
Flanderses."

He leaned across the window pane to get a better look 
at the house across the street.

"We'll have to go over and welcome them to the 
neighborhood tomorrow."  Marge said as she put down 
her magazine and turned out the light.

The only noise in the house was the sound of Maggie 
sucking on her pacifier.

(Previously in Nick's caddie)

"Umph.  Move over, will you LaCroix," muttered Nick.

"Are you two all right in there," asked Natalie.  It's 
not quite sunset and the only way our tasty twosome 
can get to Springfield is in the trunk of Nick's car.

Dorian: "The 1962 caddie has the largest amount of 
trunk space of any classic American car.  Nick has 
used the trunk several times.  Once he even used it in 
order to go to a trial in the middle of the day.  
However, it is a tight squeeze for Nick and his oldest 
*and taller* friend."

"Nicholas, this was your worst idea yet," sputtered 
LaCroix.  "and I will remind you of this often."

All Natalie could heard was "Nichowas...blah, blah, 
blah, blah, BLAH!!!!"

Natalie shook her head angrily as she prepared to turn 
onto Evergreen Terrace (The Simpson clan's street).  
It's bad enough that Nick wanted to visit his sometime 
lady love, but to make her suffer through LaCroix's 
monologues on the way to Springfield.  

"Why do I even bother," she asked herself.

Nat sighed as she pulled into the driveway of the 
large house.  At least now she'd be able to escape 
from the two of them forever arguing.

She entered the garage and turned off the engine.  She 
shielded her eyes from the setting sun as she pulled 
down the garage door.

"Woah, did you get a look at that babe across the 
street, Homer," asked Barney as he gulped down his 
fifth beer. "R-R-R-OWR." (Roy Orbison style).

"Where?  Where,"  Homer demanded, looking for Natalie.  
He had been busy tormenting Flanders.

"But neighborito, I really need to get my TV tray 
back," interrupted Ned.

"Shut up, Flanders.  I'm looking for the babe,"  Homer 
replied.  Alas, Natalie had already closed the garage 
door.

Homer rejoined his friend who was in the lawn chair 
next to the hammock.

Barney belched and tossed his beer can onto the lawn.

"Oh well," said Homer.  "I can catch the neighbor babe 
later, after all I live here on the most wonderful 
street in the world."

(Meanwhile)

Natalie was unlocking the trunk and LaCroix was the 
first out.  Amazingly enough, he was spotless.  (Well 
okay he's in his favorite color so it's not as if too 
many stains would show up!)

"What a thoroughly horrid way to travel," he griped as 
he dusted off his Armani suit (no worse for wear).

"You were the one who insisted on getting here as fast 
as we could,"  Nick replied, as he tried to remove the 
white lint from his jacket.

Our tasty twosome began arguing once again. (Hey it's 
practically all they've done for the past 800 years.)

Natalie brought out her dog whistle and blew into it 
and the two vampires clasp their hands over their 
highly sensitive ears.  Santa's Little Helper began 
barking uncontrollably.

"All right you two...can it!  I've had to listen to 
you two b*tch at each other all day.  Now Nick make 
your decision.  Are you going to stay here and 
probably return to your *old* habits,"  Natalie gave 
LaCroix a dirty look.  "Or will you come back to 
Toronto with me so we can try that new protein shake 
that I've been working on?"

Nick was torn.  He glanced back from his master to the 
woman he loved.  The woman he'd love to say 'yes' to 
and the vampire he has never said 'no' to.  (Or rather 
he's never been able to say 'no' to LaCroix safely.)

"But Nat, there's an international counterfeit jeans 
ring here!  I have to stop it!"

Nat sighed.  Will Nick ever stop trying to make up for 
past mistakes and instead look to the future.

"Nicholasss,"  LaCroix hissed.  "Janette is waiting."

"Sorry Nat,"  Nick said as he pulled her aside.  
"Janette needs our help and I just have to return 
justice to Springfield."

LaCroix grinned wickedly as he overheard their 
conversation.  

"Thank you for the ride Dr. Lambert,"  LaCroix replied 
acerbically.  He turned to check out his new digs.  
The sun had set and now he could walk around the house 
Janette rented for them.

Nick turned to face Nat again.  "All right," she said.  
"Just be careful."

They hugged.

You too," he replied, breathing in her sweet smell of 
fresh peaches.  "And Nat, make sure the caddie only 
gets the super-unleaded gasoline."

Nat pulled away from the house with a promise to 
return in two weeks.

"Hey Homer, there goes the superbabe again!"  Barney 
yelled.

Homer smacked himself in the head.  "D'Oh!!!!"


******************************************************
*
Nether Regions of the Soul pt. 4

Disclaimers: see part one.

At Janette's bar, "Black Rose"

"NO!  NO!  NO,"  Janette pounded her fists into the 
bar.  She had lost all patience with the slack-jawed 
yokel who had painted her club yellow.

"I said I wanted the interior to be in black!  BLACK!"

Cletus looked confused and examined the bar's 
interior.  He painted the walls yellow and then added 
several large decorative daisies and a smiley-faced 
sun to the walls.

"This ain't the Little 'Un Day Care Center,"  Cletus 
scratched the top of his head.

"NO!  This is a club, you simpleton!  Look at the 
sign!"

Cletus shrugged and leaned out the door. "Hey, Wylene.  
What does that there sign say?"

Janette closed her eyes and rested her head on the 
bar.  She would kill Cletus, but she could not find 
the strength.

The next thing she heard was Nick's voice.

"Janette, what happened here?"

"Look at what this slack-jawed yokel has done,"  
Janette was practically in tears.  She would never 
trust the Springfield decorators again.

"My club will never be able to open tomorrow night."

Nick turned around and said to Cletus.

"You must redo the entire bar.  Bring your entire 
family to help repainting."

Cletus mumbled, "Ah will bring in my family and we 
will repaint the bar."

----an hour later

Cletus and the fifteen members of his immediate family 
are done repainting.  Janette's favorite paintings now 
cover the horrid daisies.

"Nicola, thank you so much,"  Janette smiled shakily 
and took one final look at the club.

"I forgot to ask you.  Where is LaCroix?"

Nick smiled.  "He had to take care of some business."

------------------------------------------------------
-------


Dorian: "Meanwhile LaCroix wandered into the offices 
the Springfield's talk radio station, KBBL."

There was a large sign behind the receptionist at the 
front desk that displayed the station's motto, "No 
sports.  No rock.  No information.  For mindless 
chatter, we're your station."

"Can I help you sir?"

LaCroix removed his sunglasses.  "I am the new late 
night host."

"I'm sorry sir, but we don't have an opening for that 
position.  Dr. Marvin Monroe has his talk show from 
midnight to 4:30 in the morning."

"Oh I believe you are mistaken.  Dr. Monroe had to 
leave suddenly.  I am his replacement."

"Dr. Monroe had to leave suddenly.  You are the 
replacement,"  the receptionist repeated blankly.  She 
picked up the phone and spoke to the station manager.

"Dr. Monroe had to leave suddenly.  Our new late night 
host is here.  Yes sir."

She hung up the phone.  "The station manager wants to 
see you."

------------------------------------------------------
------------

Dorian: "At the same time Dr. Monroe boarded a train 
for Pecos, Texas."

"Are you sure I can get lost in Pecos," he asked the 
ticket collector.
------------------------------------------------------
----------


Back at KBBL a few hours later.

"Good evening Springfield," the station manager leaned 
into the microphone.  "Dr. Marvin Monroe had to leave 
town suddenly.  However, we were lucky to find a new 
host who can help us out until Dr. Monroe returns.  
KBBL is proud to present, 'The Nightcrawler'."

"Bonsoir Springfieldians.  It is indeed a pleasure to 
be in your lovely community.  Tonight we are going to 
discuss the darkness in all men's souls.  No matter 
how we try we cannot escape the nether regions of our 
souls.  It is bred into us," LaCroix paused, noting 
the blinking phone lines.

"Let's take a few calls."

He picked up the phone and pushed a button.  "Hello, 
we are discussing the nether regions of the soul."

"Hello, this is Police Chief Wiggum."

"Ah, I have a close friend who might be working with 
you soon."

"Yeah..I was just calling to say that I disagree.  I 
don't think nightcrawlers are the best bait.  minnows 
are."

LaCroix's brow furrowed.  "I believe we are discussing 
the innate evil within us all."

"This ain't the Nightcrawler's Fishing Show?"

"Yes this is the Nightcrawler, but this is not a 
fishing show.  Unless you are fishing for men's 
souls."

LaCroix raised an eyebrow as he waited for the police 
chief's response.

"Nah I don't like sole. I've always fished for trout 
and catfish."

LaCroix hung up the phone, "I see I will have to 
clarify a bit more on this moral dilemma."

"I'm surrounded by slack-jawed yokels," he thought to 
himself.

------------------------------------------------------
-------------

Dorian: "We now return to the Simpson's homestead.  On 
the second floor, Bart begins to hit the wall in his 
sleep.  Unfortunately, he woke up Lisa."

"Bart!  Quit it!  You're keeping me awake!"

A few minutes later Bart knocked on the door.

Lisa sighed and got up.

"Yeah what do you want Bart?"

Bart opened the door.

"Lisa, I swear to God, I saw a man fly past here!"

"Oh Bart, you were having a nightmare."

"I swear I'm not making this up, Lisa."

Lisa appeared concerned.  She had not seen Bart this 
upset since Sideshow Bob was paroled.

She walked to the window and looked out.  The only 
person she saw was one of the new neighbors.  He waved 
to her and smiled.

Lisa waved back to him.

"Bart, you were dreaming the only guy out there is our 
new neighbor.  Maybe you thought you saw him flying."

Bart joined Lisa at the window and sure enough there 
was Nick in front of the house across the street.

Lisa sighed dreamily, thinking how much Nick resembled 
one of the Coreys.

"Oh yeah," Bart giggled uncomfortably.  "I must have 
been dreaming."

He decided to go talk to Marge and Homer.

Lisa sighed and turned on the radio.  She would not be 
able to go to sleep now.  If she was lucky maybe she 
could find that jazz station in town.

"..and what exactly is a soul?  It is not a physical 
component to our bodies.  Should we try to ignore the 
darkness within or allow it to permeate our every-day 
existence."

Lisa was transfixed.  She was certain there had never 
been a radio show like this one in the history of 
Springfield, or at least she had never heard a talk 
show host like this one.

She picked up the radio and headed downstairs to the 
phone.

After Lisa dialed the phone number of the station, she 
sat down on the couch.  The dulcet tones of The 
Nightcrawler echoed through the Simpson's house.

Apu was talking to LaCroix about the break-in at the 
Kwik-E-Mart.

"I should have shot the thief, but I did not have the 
courage."

"Yes my friend, courage is a difficult thing to come 
by...but lets get back on topic."

Suddenly there is a click as the phone is answered.

"Hello.  We are discussing the nether regions of the 
soul.  Whom am I speaking to?"

------------------------------------------------------
-----------------

Dorian: "Will LaCroix ever get back on topic?  Will he 
at least find someone who knows what he is talking 
about?  Will Janette's new club be a success?  Will 
Nick discover who is involved in the counterfeit jeans 
ring?"

"And most importantly....Will Homer ever get a Duff at 
Moe's again???"

"These and other insane questions will be answered 
...in the Nether Regions of the Soul!!!"


Part 5


Disclaimers same as part one...

-----------------------------

"Hi I'm Lisa," she said.  "D'Oh," she thought to 
herself, "I sound like an idiot."

"Well, my, my, Lisa,"  LaCroix replied.  "Shouldn't 
you be asleep?  Tomorrow is a school day, is it not?"

"Yes but I've been waiting for a long time to speak to 
someone about the darkness in our souls," said Lisa.

"Then proceed Lisa.  I am, as they say, all ears."

"OK.  I'm eight years old.  Every day I become more 
disillusioned with my world. I see more of man's 
cruelty to other men, animals and even themselves, 
every day," Lisa paused to catch her breath.

"The saddest thing is that I see myself becoming more 
like a typical human every day.  I merely accept the 
wrongs of the world.  I've lost the idealism of youth 
and I'm far too young for that.  I feel as though I'm 
already ancient and can never return to my former 
innocence."

"Lisa, what brought this about," LaCroix asked.  He 
was intrigued.  This was by far the most intelligent 
caller he had spoken with all night.

"The death of my mentor," replied Lisa.  "Ever since 
Bleedin' Gums Murphy died, the world has, has..."

"Lost all it's novelty," suggested LaCroix.

"Yes," said Lisa.  "The darkness that was just a 
shadow a few years ago has grown. I'm afraid that now 
because I've lost my own zest for living, I won't care 
about anyone else's life."

"Perhaps, that is not such a bad thing.  If we don't 
care about those mortal ties which bind us to each 
other, then there is no pain in the deaths of our 
family and friends."

LaCroix checked the clock on the wall.  It was nearly 
4:30 in the morning and he wanted to leave before 
Reverend Lovejoy showed up for his morning show.

"Unfortunately, we are out of time, but Lisa stay on 
the line.  The greatest wisdom is imparted unto us 
from the mouths of babes.  It is now time for me to 
leave your company gentle listeners, but remember when 
you have a friend in the Nightcrawler, who needs 
enemies?"

LaCroix turned off the microphone as a commercial went 
on the air.

Lisa twisted her finger around the telephone cord as 
LaCroix picked up the
phone.

"Lisa, this has been a most fascinating conversation.  
Do call back tomorrow.  I was beginning to think that 
there was no one in Springfield who understood what I 
was speaking about.  It's good to see that there are 
enlightened people in this community."

"There are a few of us here sir, but we are hard to 
find."

LaCroix chortled, "I can imagine, and Lisa," he said 
in a whispery voice.  "Call back tomorrow."

"All right Mr. Nightcrawler.  I will."

LaCroix smiled as he put down the phone receiver.  
Perhaps there was more to Springfield than met the 
eye.

---------------------------------------------

Lisa hung up the phone and examined the clock. She 
heard Marge coming down the stairs.

"Lisa what are you doing up," Marge looked at the 
clock.  "Good lord, it's 4:30 in the morning!"

"Uh I'm not doing anything mom.  Bart woke me up so I 
came down here to listen to the radio."

"Are you sure Lisa?"  Marge sat down to look into her 
daughter's eyes.  "We shouldn't start keeping secrets 
from each other."

"Yeah I'm sure mom,"  Lisa smiled and giggled 
nervously.  "G'night."

Lisa ran up the stairs.

Marge turned on the radio.

"...and giant bugs dideth strike down God's chosen 
people, but they were not distraught. Nay, they were 
joyous!  For they trustedeth in the Lord!"

"Hmmm, Reverend Lovejoy," Marge thought to herself.  
"Why on earth would Lisa go to all this trouble to 
listen to his early morning reflections?"

Marge snapped off the radio.

-------------------------------

(The next morning)

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm," Marge murmured disapprovingly.  Lisa 
was asleep on the kitchen table.

"Sorry, mom," Lisa opened her eyes and began eating 
her oatmeal again.

Marge turned to look at Bart.  He did not look well 
either.  He finally went back to sleep around 3:30 in 
the morning.

"Hurry up you two, or you'll miss the bus,"  Marge 
took a sip of coffee and handed them their lunch 
boxes.

Bart and Lisa trudged toward the bus.  They both 
climbed the steps to the bus wearily.

"Hey little dude.  What's wrong," asked Otto, as Bart 
climbed onto the bus.

"I didn't sleep so good," grumbled Bart.

"I know all about that, Bart dude.  Whenever that 
happens I just close my eyes and take a little nap 
wherever I am.  I even do that on the bus!"

Otto closed the door as Lisa got on board and revved 
the engine.

------------------------

Dorian: "Will Lisa and Bart ever get a decent night's 
sleep?  That's just another question to be answered 
soon in The Nether Regions of the Soul".

******************************************************
************

Part 6a--see disclaimers from part one

Dorian: "After what seemed to be a never-ending day of 
school, Bart and Lisa finally arrive home."

"Hi, kids.  How was your day?" Marge asked as she was 
mixing her world-famous strawberry marshmallow and 
gelatin dessert.

"We learned about the Venus Fly-Trap, Mom.  Did you 
know that they just use the flies they catch for 
Nitrogen?" Lisa asked with a smile.

"Learn, learn, learn," griped Bart.  "you act like 
your class is the only one that learns anything.  Well 
I learned today that a roach can survive up to three 
weeks without it's head!  In fact I'm doing a project 
on it.  Care to learn about it, Lis?"

Bart opened a shoebox with holes in it to show off his 
new project.

"Yeewww!  Mom, make him stop," Lisa covered her face 
with her hands.

"Bart, how many times have I told you not to volunteer 
to take home class insect projects?" asked Marge.  She 
calmly put the top on the shoebox and walked outside 
to put it in the trash.

"Mom," whined Bart.

"Bart, I have to finish up the gelatin mold for our 
new neighbors.  Go watch your cute little cartoon show 
until your father gets home."

(a few hours later)

"But Marge...what if they're like the Flanderses.  I 
don't think I can take more than one Ned."

"Oh, Homie, I'm sure the new neighbors are completely 
different from the Flanderses," Marge rang the 
doorbell.

"You two behave and don't break anything," she warned 
Bart and Lisa.  She would never forget the time Bart 
broke Mr. Burn's eighteenth century crystal vase.

The Simpsons stood there a few seconds, waiting to 
hear someone.

"Who is it?" Nick looked into the monitor.

"We're your new neighbors from across the street," 
said Marge.  She nudged Bart to stop him from making 
faces into the camera.

Nick sighed.  LaCroix was a light sleeper and enjoyed 
his rest.  If the new neighbors woke him up, there 
would be hell to pay.  On the other hand, it would be 
incredibly rude to not invite them inside.

He walked down to the door and let the Simpsons into 
the front room.

"Hello, I'm Nick.  Nick Knight," he said as they 
walked in.  Nick offered
his hand to Homer.

"Homer, Homer Simpson.  Wow!  Look, Marge.  He has the 
Incredo-LUX home theater system!  Woo Hoo!!  So Nick 
do you watch much football and boxing?"

Homer took a look around the opulent surroundings and 
forgot to introduce the rest of his family.

Nick turned to smile at Marge.

"Hi, I'm Marge and this is Bart, Lisa and Maggie."

"Nice to meet you, Marge.  I believe I met this young 
lady last night," Nick smiled at Lisa.

Lisa giggled as she handed him the gelatin-marshmallow 
desert.

"Oh, goody," said Nick, trying not to look digusted 
with desert.  "Thank you all very much."

"Hey, Nick," asked Bart.  "Are you a drug dealer?"

"Bart," said Marge.  She turned as red as Lisa.  "It's 
rude to ask that, and call him Mr. Knight."

"It's all right, Marge.  Please call me Nick," Nick 
glanced over his shoulder to make sure Homer was not 
going upstairs.

"Bart, I'm a police officer and uh...my family is well 
off,"  Nick could hear LaCroix moving around upstairs.

"Oh, no wonder then," said Bart.

"So that's what's going on around here," thought Nick 
to himself.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard LaCroix 
bellow, "Nicholas!"

"Excuse me for a moment," Nick rushed upstairs.

"Marge, you should see this guy's stereo system," 
Homer ran back into the front room.

"You shouldn't be sneaking around our neighbor's house 
Homer," Marge said.  She didn't notice Bart sneak off 
to look around the house.

"But Marge...," Nick interrupted Homer as he came down 
the stairs.

"I'm sorry for that.  My uh um, cousin isn't feeling 
well.  Irregularity you know," Nick watched as LaCroix 
descended the staircase.

LaCroix smiled coldly at Nick, as he folded his arms 
across his chest. "He will pay for that," LaCroix 
thought to himself.

"Aren't you going to introduce us, Nicholas?" asked 
LaCroix.

"These are the Simpsons, our neighbors across the 
street.  This is my 'er cousin, Mr. LaCroix."

"So nice to meet you all," LaCroix drawled and gave a 
small smile to Lisa.

Lisa finally realized why he sounded so familiar.  The 
man from the radio with the hypnotic voice.

"Your the Night...," Lisa began to say until LaCroix 
smiled and put his finger across his lips.

Lisa giggled again and said, "I mean it's nice to meet 
you, Sir."

Nick glanced at LaCroix and Lisa, knowing what had 
passed between them.

"Well it's nice meeting you all, but we both work 
nights," Nick nodded to Marge and showed them to the 
door.

"We'll have to get together and have a barbecue 
sometime," added LaCroix.  He snickered and sauntered 
off to another room.

Nick smiled nervously and then closed the door.

Homer, Marge, Lisa and Maggie began to walk back home.

Marge looked concerned.

"What an odd family, and where's Bart?"

******************************************************
**

The Nether Regions of the Soul (part 6b)

disclaimers: see part one

Dorian: "We rejoin the Simpsons at their house after 
they have just visited their new neighbors."

******************************************************
*******

"Homie, I'm worried about Bart.  I haven't seen him 
since we met our new neighbors," Marge said as she put 
Maggie in her high chair.

"Oh Marge, he's just probably playing with Milhouse.  
Don't worry."

Homer turned on the television set and began watching 
the Duff toads commercial.

"Oooo Marge I forgot to tell you what happened after 
work today.  I got a new job," said Homer.

"What new job?" asked Marge.  "Maybe he's become chief 
safety inspector," she thought to herself, happily.

"Well remember when Moe sold his tavern and the new 
owner kicked me out?"

"Yeah," said Marge, suspiciously.

"And then you said to go talk to Ms. DuCharme again?"

"Yes."

"Well Barney and I went to talk to her earlier today 
and she was having problems finding people to work 
there.  So you are now talking to the head bouncer at 
the 'Black Rose'.  Barney is going to be my 
assistant."

Homer swung Marge around in the air.

"And the best part is we get ALL we can drink!  Woo 
Hoo!!!"

"Homer, what about your job at the plant?"

"Oh I'll quit that job tomorrow.  Besides it's been my 
lifelong dream to be a bouncer for a club."

"But you've never been a bouncer before.  Do you even 
know what they do?" asked Marge.

"Sure I do honey.  They stand around, look tough and 
keep out the undesirables."

Homer kissed Marge and headed for the door.

"See you at six in the morning," Homer yelled on his 
way outside.

"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," Marge said to herself.

****************************************************

(Across the street)

Bart was trapped inside Nick and LaCroix's house.  
Nick went to the police station and LaCroix left to 
visit Janette after the Simpsons went home.

Bart heard his stomach growl.

"Oh man," he mumbled to himself.  He could taste 
Marge's pork chops.  While he was here he might as 
well try to find something to eat.

Bart walked over to the refrigerator and opened the 
door.

There was nothing in the refrigerator but two rows of 
bottles with a small sign above each row.  'Nick' was 
on the sign on the right and 'LaCroix' was written on 
the other sign.

Bart cautiously removed one of Nick's bottles, opened 
it and took a small tiny sip.

"Yuchhh!"

He spit out the blood and placed the bottle back in 
the refrigerator.

Bart wandered upstairs and went into Nick's room.

There was an open book on the desk so Bart picked it 
up and began to read it.

October 14th

We have just moved to Springfield.  I'll start working 
on the counterfeit jeans ring tonight.  Janette is 
opening her new club and it's been centuries since I 
have seen her so happy.  LaCroix, on the other hand, 
hasn't changed a bit.  He's working at another radio 
station.  I don't want to even think about how he got 
the job.  Blood supply was running low.  LaCroix had 
to borrow a bottle of cow today.  I'll never forget 
that look on his face! Maybe I'll switch the bottles 
in the refrigerator.  Looks like we have company...

Blood?  Bottles?  What was that stuff in the 
refrigerator??

Maybe the diary would help some more.

September 25th

Schanke and I finally finished the Houghton case.  
Brings back memories of Janette, LaCroix and I during 
the French Revolution in Paris....

The wheels were beginning to turn in Bart's mind.

"Aye, carumba!"

They were all vampires!  That would explain it all!  
Why else would there be blood in the refrigerator?  It 
wasn't a dream!  Vampires were taking over the city.

Bart looked up and closed the diary.  He held it under 
his arm and decided to go through the window onto the 
large elm tree.

Bart opened the window, praying that the alarm would 
not go off.

He finally reached the ground and began to run home, 
not paying attention to where he was going.

"Ouch!!  What's the matter little neighborito?"

It was Ned Flanders.

******************************************************
**************

Part 7

(see disclaimers in part 1)

Nick landed outside of the Springfield police station.  
He glanced around cautiously and then entered the 
station.

The station was quiet.  Most of the officers there 
appeared to be goofing off.  Two were discussing their 
latest run to Krusty Burger.  Nick grimaced as he saw 
the officers scarf down the last greasy french fries 
that were drenched in ketchup.

He walked over to the two officers and said, "Who's in 
charge here?"

"That would be Chief Wiggum," said one of the 
officers.  The other officer was too busy slurping on 
a super-squishy to even notice Nick.  "His office is 
over there on the right.  He's busy interrogating some 
suspects but he should be finished soon."

Nick walked into the chief's office and overheard him 
in the other room.

Chief Wiggum sounded as though he was interrogating a 
dangerous gang of thugs.

"...Like I said before, we've got all of you covered.  
Every single one of you," Wiggum said to a 
particularly lethal box of donuts.

After the interrogation was complete, the suspects 
were free to go.  However the chief thought the donuts 
would be safest with him.  The chief sauntered into 
the office, trying to think of what he wanted on his 
pizza.

Wiggum's office was dark and he nearly tripped over 
one of the chairs.  He did not see Nick in the corner.

"You're Chief Wiggum, right?" asked Nick, as he 
emerged from the shadows.

"Who's there?" asked the chief, still blind to Nick's 
presence."

"Over here," said Nick, waving his arms.  "I'm 
Detective Nick Knight.  I'm investigating the 
counterfeit jeans ring."

"Oh there you are," said Wiggum, finally seeing Nick.  
"What do you mean counterfeit jeans?  Whose authority 
are you under?"

"I'm under my own authority."  Nick leaned across 
Wiggum's desk.

"Whatever you say," said the chief.

"A few weeks ago, I had to go shopping for new jeans 
in Toronto," began Nick.

Wiggum nodded his head.

"I had to spend $45 on a new pair of jeans and they 
rip the first night I wore them.  It was humiliating!  
Everyone at the Raven laughed at me.  Then I looked at 
the tag and heard through the grapevine that the jeans 
were counterfeit from Springfield."

Nick looked into Wiggum's eyes, "And I want you to 
tell me everything you know about these jeans."

"There is a huge international counterfeit ring here 
that ships out jeans to Toronto, Washington D.C., 
Miami and Pecos, Texas," Wiggum replied.

"Who is the head of the ring?" asked Nick.

"I don't know," said the chief.

"Okay, then who pays you the shush money?"

"Big Tony, the President of the Association of 
Legitimate Businessmen."

Nick smiled, "Thanks Chief, I knew that there had to 
be at least one honest cop in Springfield."

"No problem," answered Wiggum.

-------------------------------------------------

Nick flew to the bar where Big Tony and his associates 
met.  A sign on the door said, "Association of 
Legitimate Businessmen meeting tonight at the Black 
Rose."

He turned around and took to the air.

A few minutes later he landed at the entrance to the 
'Black Rose'.

Unfortunately, Homer was blocking the entrance to the 
club.

"Homer, I didn't know you worked here.  Busy tonight?" 
Nick asked.

"You know it," said Homer.  "It's my first night 
here,"  Homer looked around nervously.

"Well don't worry about it. I'm sure you're doing 
fine," Nick looked into the club.

"I'm here to see Janette," he added.

Nick moved to go through the doors.

"Just one minute," said Homer.  "Are you on the list?"

"What list?"

"The list of VEP's.  Oops I meant VIP's.  Ms. DuCharme 
said to be sure to let in only the people on the 
list."

Nick sighed and looked over Homer's shoulder for 
Janette.  He finally saw her and she walked to the 
door.

"Having problems, Nicola?" She exhaled smoke and 
nodded to Homer.

"He's not on the list," said Homer.

"I realize that," Janette pursed her full lips, 
"However he will always be welcome here as well as the 
other guests I have mentioned."

"All right, lemmee just add that to the list," said 
Homer.  He was still trying to figure out how to spell 
LaCroix.

"Come, Nicola." Janette pulled him inside.  "I take it 
this is *NOT* a business call.

"Actually I'm here to see one of your customers."  
Nick looked around the club, "Big Tony.  He's with the 
Association of Legitimate Businessmen."

"I see.  So you are not here to see me," she purred 
and pulled Nick toward her.  Nick smiled and kissed 
her on the lips.

After much lip-wrestling Janette replied, "Tony is in 
the back room.  They asked not to be bothered, Nick.  
I have to buy liquor licenses from these people so do 
not insult them.  Why do you care anyway?  They are 
just mortals."

"Janette, this man may be in charge of the jeans ring!  
I must speak with him."

"Oh, Nicola, forgot about those jeans.  Buy another 
pair, from a reliable retailer!  You made everyone at 
the 'Raven' forget what happened anyway.  Although I 
must admit I wish I had been there to see it.  LaCroix 
said it was one of the few times he had ever seen you 
so humiliated!"

"I don't care about that.  Think of all those mortals 
who bought those jeans.  Someone must stand up for 
them."

Janette sighed and shrugged as Nick went through the 
door to the back room.

The six men talking with Big Tony jumped up, fingering 
their pistols.

"Leave us," said Nick.  His eyes took on that certain 
glimmer we all know and love.

All the men began to exit the room, and Big Tony tried 
to leave with them.

"All but you."  Nick pointed to Tony, "Sit!"

Big Tony sat down and wiped off his face with a 
handkerchief.

"So you're Big Tony," said Nick.

"And who are you?" asked Tony.

"That doesn't matter," replied Nick, "what does matter 
are jeans."

"Jeans?  You're wasting my time."  Big Tony prepared 
to stand and Nick pushed him back into his chair.

"Are you the head of the counterfeit jeans ring?" 
asked Nick.

"What jeans ring?"

Nick stood up, moved in closer and looked Big Tony in 
the eye.

"Tell me about the jeans ring," said Nick.

Tony shook nervously, "It's Diamond Joe Quimby!  Mayor 
Quimby is the leader of the ring here!"

"And who is above him?" Nick asked calmly.

"I don't know," said Tony.

"If you are lying, I'll be back for you," said Nick.  
He walked out of the room and left the club.

He did not even notice LaCroix watching him from a 
dark corner of the club.

"Here you go, Mr. LaCroix."  Barney handed LaCroix a 
half empty glass of beer, belched and wiped his sleeve 
across his mouth.

"I didn't order this," said LaCroix.

"Then can I have it?" asked Barney.

Outside the bar, Homer was trying to keep Mr. Burns 
and Smithers outside.

"...But you aren't on the VIP list, Mr. Burns," said 
Homer, standing in front of the door.

"But I'm a very important person," interrupted Burns, 
"You know that well, you big balding gorilla."

"That's it, Mr. Burns," said Homer, "Leave!"

"Hit him, Smithers," whined Mr. Burns.  He tried to 
throw a punch at Homer, but he was too weak and the 
punch barely glanced off Homer.

Waylon Smithers leaned forward to hit Homer, but he 
missed and the punch landed on a man with a blue 
mohawk.

"Uh oh," said Smithers and began to run for the car 
with Mr. Burns behind him.


------------------------------------------------------
------

Dorian: "Will Barney ever get the orders right?  Will 
LaCroix ever get a drink?  Will Mr. Burns be able to 
sneak into the Black Rose?  Will Homer survive his new 
job?"

"These and other inane questions will be answered in 
The Nether Regions of the Soul."

------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------

part eight

see disclaimers part 1--


Dorian: "Nick had just left the Black Rose to find 
Diamond Joe Quimby.  We now join Big Tony back at the 
club after his confrontation with Nick."

******************************************************
**************

Big Tony gulped and took a deep breath.  His hands 
shook as he raised the receiver for the phone and 
dialed a number.

"Mayor Quimby's office," said a calm voice.

"Tell Quimby that trouble is on the way."

------------------------------------------------

Dorian: "We now return to Evergreen Terrace where Bart 
had just run into Ned Flanders.  Bart accidentally 
dropped Nick's diary in the street."

"Bart?  Bart?  Are you all righty-rooty?" asked Ned as 
Bart just stood there.

Ned leaned over and picked up Nick's diary.

"Bart, is this yours?"

Bart finally looked up and said, "Yeah that's my 
book."

"Where you visiting the new neighbors?" asked 
Flanders, examining the diary.

"Yeah," Bart hoped Ned hadn't seen him sneaking out of 
the window.  He looked own the street and kicked up 
little puffs of dirt with his sneakers.

"Bart," said Ned, "I'm afraid you're going to have to 
come with me."

"Ned, I swear I didn't take anything else.  Please 
don't tell my mom."

Ned tugged Bart into his front yard and led him to the 
door.  He opened the door and pulled Bart inside.

Bart became more frightened when he realized that the 
Flanders house was empty.

Ned closed the door and faced Bart.

"How much of this diary have you read?"

"Just a few pages," answered Bart.  He wondered where 
Ned was going with all of this and if there was a way 
to get out of here.

Bart lowered his eyes, and decided to tell the truth, 
"Okay more than just a few pages."

Ned sighed and opened the door to the basement.

"Bart, it's time we had a talk."

Bart followed Ned down into the basement.  Ned 
switched on the light and walked over to a tall 
bookcase.

"Bart, before we go downstairs you must promise that 
you will never tell anyone about what you will see 
there."

"What on earth was Flanders trying to hide," Bart 
asked himself. "Yeah, sure," he said.

Ned pulled out a book from the bookcase and it began 
to slide across the floor. Behind the bookcase was a 
secret passage.

Ned took a lit torch and led the way down to the lower 
level.

"Where are we, Ned?" asked Bart.

Ned placed the torch within a hole in the wall and the 
light spread across the strange, damp room.

Bart noticed an altar on the north side of the room 
and Ned began to light the candles on the sides of the 
room.

"I hope this doesn't mean more church," Bart thought 
to himself.  Perhaps this was going to be his 
punishment for sneaking around his neighbor's house.

"Bart, we are in a very special place.  A place where 
our neighbors could never harm us. You know what our 
neighbors are, don't you, Bart?"

Bart gulped, he had never seen Flanders in this light 
before.  "Yes, I think I do," he replied.

"Then you know there is only one way to rid 
Springfield of this terrible menace," said Ned.

Ned held up three sharpened stakes.

"Cool," said Bart.

Ned picked up a white T-shirt and walked over to the 
small closet.  He took off the shirt he was wearing, 
hung it up carefully in the closet and put on his T-
shirt.

"Now Bart, I must prepare for the battle.  Go home and 
rest.  Come back tomorrow afternoon."

Bart could finally read what Ned's T-shirt said.

Neddy the Vampire Slayer, was printed across the 
front.

Bart took off, ran up the stairs and did not stop 
until he reached his home.

"I don't know what's worse, the fact that vampires 
have invaded Springfield or that my bible-thumping 
next-door neighbor is a vampire hunter," Bart thought 
to himself.

Obviously these vampires did not go hunting.  Why else 
would they keep blood in the refrigerator?  Nick 
didn't seem like such a bad guy.  Besides, didn't he 
write in his diary that he was trying to find a cure 
for vampirism?

Bart moaned inwardly.  "That's it," he thought to 
himself, "I won't bother them unless they bother me."

---------------------------------------------

Nick landed at the Offramp Inn.  He had heard that the 
mayor was a womanizer.  If there was one thing he 
learned as a cop it was that womanizers were seldom 
home on Friday nights.

This was the only motel in town so Mayor Quimby had to 
be here.

Nick carefully listened to the conversations in each 
room.

"...This is Mayor Quimby.  Do I have any messages?"

Nick threw open the door and saw Joe Quimby on the 
phone to his office.

Quimby's girlfriend screamed and ran out of the room.

"You and I are going to have a long talk, Mr. Mayor," 
said Nick, coldly.

-----------------------------------------------

"Good evening friends.  C'est moi.  This is the 
Nightcrawler at KBBL, joining you again at the 
midnight hour.  Last night we had barely scratched the 
surface of the darkness within the soul.  Any more 
thoughts on the matter?"

LaCroix watched the phone lines begin to light up.

Lisa looked cautiously over her shoulder as she held 
the phone against her ear.

Marge had gone to sleep early, but Lisa worried that 
Marge would catch her listening to a 'controversial' 
radio show.

"We are talking again about the nether regions of the 
soul.  Why not just give in to the darkness within?" 
asked LaCroix

LaCroix answered the first phone line, "Bonsoir, we 
are speaking once again about the nether regions of 
the soul.  What do you think about the evil within our 
hearts that we all try to hide?"

"I think we should learn to accept that evil," said 
Lisa.

"Excellent answer, Lisa," he replied with a smile.

She would be the perfect addition to the family.

------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------
-
part 9

see disclaimers..part 1


Ned Flanders stood in a small alcove.  It was on the 
east side of the secret room, below the basement of 
his house.  He sharpened more stakes and started 
thinking of how he learned about the secret life of 
vampires.  It happened when he was nine years old...

(Flashback to the 1950's)

Ned's beatnik parents brought him to the coffee shop 
where they read all their poetry.  He was sitting at 
one of the back tables coloring pictures when he heard 
some noise in the back of the shop.  Ned knew the 
owner had a cat and he decided to go play with 
Tailchaser.

Ned got up from the table and looked over at his 
parents.  They were too busy snapping their fingers 
after another beatnik finished his poem.

Ned crept around to the back office, where Tailchaser 
usually could be found napping.  He opened the door a 
smidgen when he began to hear snatches of a 
conversation between a man and a woman.  He crawled 
behind a stack of boxes in one corner of the room and 
began to eavesdrop.

"Nicola, I will miss you so much.  How could you even 
be thinking of leaving us.  We are your only family.  
You know LaCroix will come after you again, just as he 
has always done for the last eight hundred years."

Ned watched as the beautiful raven-haired woman began 
to gently play with Nick's hair.  They must be actors.  
There were always actors rehearsing at the 'Java 
Jive'.

"Yes, I know, Janette, but I have to go.  Whenever I 
get close to finding a cure, he snatches it away from 
me." Nick turned around to face Janette.

"That is because he loves you, mon amour.  He just 
wants what is best for you, for us all."

Ned heard the door sweep open and the man who had just 
finished his poems came inside.  There was something 
about him that made Ned shudder.  Ned hid his face in 
his arms as the man, who was dressed in black from 
head to toe, walked by Ned's hiding place.  After he 
passed by Ned, Ned opened his eyes again.

"Well, Nicholas, planning to leave us again?"  The man 
looked over his shoulder.  "Janette, leave us for a 
moment."

Janette turned away and then walked up to Nick and 
whispered something into his ear.  Ned thought it 
sounded like French.

She opened the door and left the office.

"LaCroix," replied Nick.  "I am leaving."

Ned watched as LaCroix turned around and began to 
speak.

"I give you life.  I give you power, and this is how 
you repay me???"

Somehow Nick ended up pushed against the wall.  Ned 
could not believe what he was seeing and hearing.  
LaCroix had his right hand wrapped tightly around 
Nick's neck.

"You gave me nothing but death," growled Nick, his 
eyes glowing.

LaCroix threw Nick against the boxes where Ned was 
hiding.  Ned started to run and before he knew it, 
LaCroix was directly in front of him.

Ned's eyes bulged as he finally realized what Nick and 
LaCroix were.

"Please don't kill me," whispered Ned, as he struggled 
to get away.

"LaCroix, don't!"  Nick tried to pull LaCroix off Ned.  
"I promise not to leave, just let him go!"

LaCroix looked up.  His face no longer contorted.

"Very well, Nicholas," he pushed Ned away.

(back to the present)

Ned shook his head.  He had forgotten what happened 
until the mid 60's.  He had been at bible college when 
his roommate ran into the TV room with his girlfriend.

"Ned, 'Dracula and the Space Mutants' is on channel 
12.  Turn it quick!"

Ever since then he had remembered what happened and 
devoted his spare time to studying the ancient art of 
vampire hunting.

------------------------------------------------------
--------
Part 10

see disclaimers part 1--

-----------------------------------------------

Dorian: "We now return to Springfield.  Nick is at the 
Offramp Inn interrogating Diamond Joe Quimby, the 
illiterate, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, six term mayor 
of Springfield, who has recently started a counterfeit 
jeans business.

----------------------------------------------

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Quimby, trying to get 
past Nick.

"That doesn't matter," replied Nick.  "What does 
matter is this."  Nick held up a pair of jeans with 
several large rips and tears.

Mayor Quimby paled considerably.

"I suppose you know what these are?" added Nick.

"They look like worn-out jeans," said the mayor.

"Yes, they are worn out," said Nick, "after one 
wearing!  Never have I seen such shoddy workmanship, 
and look at this,"  Nick pulled out the tag from the 
back of the jeans, "This is a Calvin Klein tag!"

"So..."

"But look at the other side, Mayor," Nick handed 
Quimby the tag, "Now what does it say?"

"Made in Springfield, USA," replied the mayor.

"Very good," said Nick, "but Calvin Klein doesn't own 
a factory in Springfield."

The mayor gasped.

"These are counterfeit jeans, aren't they?" asked 
Nick.

"I'm not respons...," began Quimby.

"Oh that's not what police chief Wiggum and Big Tony 
say.  They told me you *are* responsible for these 
jeans and that this plan was your brainchild."

"Can I see my lawyer?" asked Quimby.

"It's, 'may I see my lawyer?'" replied Nick, "and no 
you may not.  At least not until I'm done."

"Who are you?" asked Quimby.

"Let's just say I was one of your victims."

--------------------------------------------------

(Back at KBBL, during a station break)

LaCroix was still talking to Lisa on the phone.

Lisa was telling him how Bart had smashed her "Happy 
Little Elves" tape.

"...and Bart still hasn't apologized for it," she 
concluded angrily.

"Don't your parents trust you?  Understand you?" 
LaCroix asked.

"No," said Lisa sadly.

"I understand how you feel," replied LaCroix.  "My 
family has trouble understanding me as well.  They 
never understand that I always do what is best for 
them.  They always leave me."

LaCroix paused and then continued, "Lisa, we are 
kindred souls.  I am amazed that we see so many things 
eye to eye."

Lisa wiped her eyes.  It was true.  She felt the same 
way herself.  Her family loved her and admired her, 
but they never would understand her.

"Lisa, I have tomorrow night off.  Let's meet, you 
need a sympathetic ear as much as I do."

"Um..ok," Lisa heard Bart moving around in the room 
above her.  Bart had been acting strangely all night.

"Au revoir, Lisa."

"Au revoir, Mr. LaCroix."

Lisa hung up the phone and scratched the top of her 
heard.  She decided to check on Bart.

"Bart, are you OK?" Lisa asked as she walked into his 
room.  Bart was pacing around the room.

"Uh yeah, sure, I'm fine," Bart sounded preoccupied.  
An open copy of 'Dracula' was on his bed.

"Bart, no wonder you've been having nightmares," Lisa 
picked up the book.

"Lisa!!! Don't!!! You're messing up the pages," he 
took the book back from Lisa.

"Okay!  Okay!  Sheesh," said Lisa.  She walked out of 
the room.

"Vampires," she muttered as she opened the door to her 
room, "Oy!"

-----------------------------------------

(Back at the Offramp Inn)

"Tell me, who is financially responsible for the jeans 
ring?" asked Nick, as he hypnotized Quimby.

"I don't really know," replied Diamond Joe Quimby.  
"It's some guy who has connections in Paris and 
Toronto.  He gets in contact with me.  Unless..."

"Yes, go on," said Nick.

"I have the phone number of an associate of his," 
finished Quimby.

"Where is it?" asked Nick.

"In my pants pocket," replied the Mayor.  "Over there 
on top of the drawers."

The mayor had on a robe and was trying to cover his 
red boxer shorts.

Nick grumbled to himself as he picked up the Mayor's 
pants and went through his business cards.

"Is this it?" asked Nick.

"Yes, yes it is," said the mayor.

"Thank you, Mayor.  You've been very helpful, and you 
won't remember what just happened," he walked out with 
the mayor's pants.

Nick placed them downstairs in the front lobby at the 
motel.

The mayor finally came to and looked around the room.

"Bunni?  Bunni, where are my pants?" he asked.

------------------------------------------

Now we return to the Nether Regions of the Soul 
(Bwhahaha!!!)

Part 11a

Disclaimers: see part 1.  

Dorian:  It was a dark and stormy night.  Two mortals 
met each other at the arboretum.

------------------------------------------------------
----------

Big Tony walked over to Diamond Joe Quimby's long 
black limo and knocked on the window.

"The fat lady only sings in Italian," he said.

Quimby rolled down the window.  "The...uh sun will 
come out tomorrow," he said.

The Mayor opened the door and Big Tony climbed into 
the limo.

"He called me this afternoon," said Big Tony.  "He's 
very angry."

"Man, oh man, is that an understatement," Tony thought 
to himself.

"What about?" asked the Mayor, who was still in a fog.

"What do you mean?" asked Tony.  "You told somebody 
about him.  His associate said a homicide detective 
from Toronto is snooping around Springfield."

"I did?" asked Quimby, still klewless.

"You must have.  I don't have his associate's phone 
number."

Diamond Joe Quimby sighed.  His mind was starting to 
reel.  He could recall someone showing him a ripped 
pair of jeans.  Maybe it wasn't his girlfriend 
modeling her ripped jeans for him.

"Mr. X. is meeting us and his associate at the Black 
Rose tonight," added Tony.

The limo pulled up to the Black Rose and the Mayor and 
Tony stepped out of the limo.

They walked over to the front door where Homer stood.

"Hey pal, let us by, we're meeting somebody here," 
said Big Tony.

Homer picked up his list.  "Names please," he said.

"I'm Big Tony Scarpatti.  I was here last night."

"That's what they all say," scoffed Homer.  "I don't 
see your name anywhere on this list."

"It's right there," said Tony, pointing it out to him.

"Oh yeah.  Sorry," said Homer, nervously.

"It's all right," said Tony.

"And who might you be?" asked Homer, looking at 
Diamond Joe Quimby.

"I'm the mayor," replied Quimby, holding up his 
mayoral sash.

"Oops," said Homer, "Ok, you can both go inside."

Homer opened the large door as Big Tony and Joe Quimby 
walked into the Black Rose.

"He said to wait for him by the bar," said Big Tony, 
as he watched the couples on the dance floor.

Janette slid over next to them.

"Gentlemen, your host is waiting for you in the back 
office," she said, "follow me."

Janette walked with them to the back of the club and 
opened the door to the office.  She closed it behind 
them

A lone figure with a cigarette stood in the shadows.

"Are you Mr. X," asked Big Tony.

The man inhaled and the cigarette burned brightly in 
the darkness, illuminating the man's facial features.

"No," he said.

"I know you," said the Mayor, "You're Waylon 
Smithers."

Smithers sighed, "I'm a toadying associate of Mr. X.  
He'll be here in a few minutes."

The door opened quietly and the Mayor and Big Tony 
turned around.  They saw nothing and turned back to 
Smithers and at his side was their mysterious host.

"Yahhh!!!" said Quimby, "Are you trying to give me a 
heart attack?"

Mr. X. sat down at Janette's desk.

"Gentlemen, Smithers has informed me that someone has 
been checking into my
operation."

"Yes," said Big Tony.  "Police Chief Wiggum told me a 
homicide detective named Nick Knight has been snooping 
around.  He's questioned us both about it."

"Oh, Nicholas," Mr. X. leaned into the light, his cold 
blue eyes turned to an inhuman shade of gold, "that 
will be trouble."

"I will take care of this matter," added Mr. X.  "Au 
revoir gentlemen.  I'm late for dinner with a new 
member of my family."

------------------------------------------------------
--------

The Mayor, Big Tony and Smithers left the office.

"What does 'Au revoir' mean," asked Quimby.

"I think it means 'get out of my office'," said Tony.

Janette walked in with an open bottle of the club's 
special vintages.

She poured a glass for herself and Mr. X.

"Merci, Janette," said LaCroix, taking a sip from the 
glass Janette offered him.

"LaCroix, are you certain this girl wishes to join our 
family?" asked Janette.

"Her family is a bunch of slack jawed yokels," replied 
LaCroix, "They will never take Lisa seriously and she 
wants to belong to something and someone."

"I see," said Janette.  She thought it best to not 
oppose his decision.

"Janette, you must help me," LaCroix continued.  "Keep 
Nicholas busy and away from the house tonight."

Janette smiled.  "Of course," she said.

LaCroix stood, picked up the bottle of wine and headed 
for the door.


-----------------------------------------------------

Disclaimers: see part 1

Now for part 11b...

Lisa drew the curtain back from the window in her 
room.  The house across the street was still dark.  
She picked up her saxophone and began to play a 
melancholy song.  It was the first song Bleedin' Gums 
Murphy had taught her.

(downstairs)

The doorbell rang and Marge got up to answer it.

She opened the door, "Ned?" she asked.

"Hidilly Hodilly Marge.  May I speak to Bart?"

"Sure Ned," Marge began to walk upstairs towards 
Bart's room.  Then she began to wonder why Ned would 
want to see Bart at this time of night.  So she 
stopped halfway up the stairs and turned around.

"What did you want to see Bart about, Ned?" she asked.

"I wanted to talk to him about the Wilderness Scouts.  
I just don't think he gave us a fair shake, and we 
have another meeting tonight."

"Uh, Ok," said Marge.  She thought it would be a waste 
of Ned's time, but maybe Bart had changed his mind 
about the Wilderness Scouts.

Marge opened the door to Bart's room to find him 
sleeping at his desk.  

"My poor little guy," she thought to herself.

"Bart, Bart.  Wake up sleepyhead," Marge said as she 
gently shook Bart.

"Uhm...," murmured Bart.

"Oh, mom, I'm tired," said Bart.  He didn't want to 
think about what Ned was going to do tonight.  He 
hadn't been able to sleep last night.  Finally he had 
fallen asleep at dawn, when he knew it was safe.

"Oh come on, Bart.  Didn't you enjoy the camping trip 
that you and your father went on?" asked Marge.  She 
pulled Bart out of his chair and walked him 
downstairs.

"But mom...," said Bart.

Bart sighed as he saw Ned downstairs in the living 
room.

"Well come on, Bart, you want to get that jack knife 
don't you?" asked Ned as he pulled Bart toward the 
door.

"Goodnight, Marge.  See ya later gater."

************************************************

"Whose side are you on, Simpson?" asked Flanders as he 
dragged Bart down to his hidden room.  "Are you on the 
vampires side or our side?"

"Uhmmmm...," said Bart, noting the crazed look in 
Flanders' eyes.  "I'm on our side."

"Good man," said Principal Skinner.  "I know we could 
count on you, Bart."

"What's Principal Skinner doing here, Ned?" asked 
Bart.

"Bart, I'd like you to meet the members of SVHS.  The 
Springfield Vampire Hunting Society.  We usually have 
our meetings Wednesday nights, and go bowling on 
Saturdays," said Ned.  "But tonight we're having a 
special meeting."

Bart turned to see the members of the society.  
Springfieldians he had known most of his life.

Groundskeeper Willie was helping Principal Skinner mix 
garlic with what must have been holy water.  Moe, Apu 
and Grampa Simpson were whittling more stakes.

"I forgot," said Grampa, "why are we here again?"

"You silly old man," answered Apu.  "Do you not 
remember we are here to hunt vampires?"

"We're hunting vampires?  I thought this was the 
Springfield Snipe Hunting Society.  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  Grampa Simpson ran upstairs and 
Bart heard the front door slam.

"Initiates," murmured Ned, as he shook his head.  He 
looked back over at Bart.

"Go help Apu and Moe," said Ned, "Here's my knife."

"Cool," said Bart.  "I may not agree with all the 
ideas of SVHS, but at least I get to use a knife," he 
said to himself.

He walked over to where Apu and Moe had a bunch of 2 
by 4's.

"Hey, Apu," said Bart, "Who's watching the Kwik-E-
Mart?"

A look of terror went across Apu's face.  He jumped 
up, threw down his wood and ran all the way back to 
the Kwik-E-Mart.  Just as he arrived, he saw Jimbo 
Jones and his friends run off with the Super Squishy 
machine and a jar of jerky.

"Come back with my jerky, you turkey," yelled Apu.

Apu sighed and shook his head.  Since all the 
valuables were gone, he might as well head back to the 
meeting.

(Meanwhile back at the Simpson homestead...)

"Lisa," said Marge.  "I'm going to put Maggie to bed 
and then go to sleep early."

Lisa put down her saxophone.  "Ok, mom," she said.

"You're going to play at Janie's right?" asked Marge.

"Yeah mom," said Lisa, looking at the floor.  She 
hated lying to Marge, but tonight she had to do it.

"Are you sure her parents can drop you off later?" 
asked Marge.

"Of course," said Lisa, peevishly.  Why did her mom 
have to start asking her all these questions?

"Well all right.  Have fun, sweetheart."  Marge kissed 
her daughter on the top of her head. "And behave 
yourself."

"I will, Mom," said Lisa.

Marge closed the door and Lisa looked out the window 
again.  The lights were on at the house across the 
street.

Lisa walked downstairs and opened the front door.  She 
closed the door behind her and began to walk across 
the street.

LaCroix sensed Lisa's approach and opened the door 
before she reached the front porch.

"Thanks for inviting me over, Mr. LaCroix," said Lisa.  
"I've needed to talk to a friend about things for a 
long time."

"You're quite welcome, Lisa," replied LaCroix, licking 
his lips.

He showed Lisa to the living room where they both sat 
down.

"So, Lisa," he said, "what is it that you wish to talk 
about?  Friends?  Family?  The lack of connection you 
feel with your parents, brother and sister?"

Lisa sighed and gave him a small smile.  "You took the 
words right out of my mouth," she said.

******************************************************
****

Dorian: "Will Lisa give in to her dark side????  These 
and other zany questions will be answered in The 
Nether Regions of the Soul!!  Parts 12 through 15.  
Void where prohibited."



See disclaimers pt. 1

The Nether Regions of the Soul (part 12a)

Dorian: "We now rejoin the SVHS meeting already in 
progress.  Ned Flanders was reading to the members 
from a book of vampire folklore."

"In gypsy culture they were known as Mullo.  They are 
called the Upior in Poland.  We know that they are not 
legend and myth, but flesh and blood reality."  Ned 
paused and took a deep breath.   "Our beautiful 
community suffers from their curse.  They are 
unnaturally strong, they fly, and they are immortal," 
he said letting his eyes rest of each society member.  
"They are vampires and they kill."

Ned paused again and looked at Moe.

"Moe has told me that they also can control our minds.  
Moe, I think you should tell them what happened to you 
earlier this week."

Moe coughed and rose from his chair.  He walked over 
to the altar and Ned nodded to him.

"I'm sure you all know that earlier this week, I sold 
my tavern.  Until I joined the society yesterday, I 
couldn't remember why I sold the bar, I just knew that 
I had.  As soon as everyone began talking about the 
powers of vampires, I realized that I had been duped 
by one."

"I sold my tavern for $500," said Moe as he shook his 
head.  "I still can't believe I did that."

"Moe, are you sure that you are not just upset," asked 
Apu.  "Ms. DuCharme has made her club a hit.  Your 
tavern was not making money."

"He's right," murmured Principal Skinner, "Moe, you've 
lied before.  You already said that a cop here in 
Springfield was a vampire.  That could never happen in 
real life!  Now do you really think we could believe 
you after that big whopper of a lie!"

"Hey it *could* happen, and this time I'm not lying, 
Skinner," said Moe.  He took Willie's favorite 
slopbucket that was full of garlic and holy water, and 
threw it at Skinner.

"Now you've done it," said Skinner.  "You've made an 
ex-green beret angry!"

"Stop it, men.  We can't fight over this when we need 
to fight a stronger enemy," said Ned.

"Moe, you and Principal Skinner, Willie and Apu go 
down to the 'Black Rose' to watch Ms. DuCharme.   
Bring her to the house across from the old Simpson 
place if she says or does anything remotely 
suspicious."

Ned placed his hand on Bart's shoulder.  "Bart and I 
will sneak over to that
house at 23 hundred hours."

Bart gulped.  They would leave in 45 minutes.

******************************************************
************

Dorian:  "We now wander back to the old Simpson place.  
All is quiet and peaceful, except in Maggie's 
bedroom."

Maggie stood up and looked over the crib railing.  She 
squinted as she watched the house across the street.  
Maggie sighed softly and looked over at the picture of 
her family.  Her eyes fixed on Lisa.   She stood up on 
top of the rails.  She wavered just a minute as she 
looked down to the floor.  Then, she held up her 
blanket and gently parachuted to the ground.

As Maggie continued downstairs, she hung onto the 
railing for support.  At the front door, Maggie stood 
up on her toes and struggled to reach the doorknob.  
Unfortunately, it was far beyond her reach.  She threw 
one corner of her blanket to the doorknob.  The 
blanket wrapped itself around the knob.  With a flick 
of her tiny wrist, the door opened.

Maggie crawled down to the driveway.  She stood up to 
look both ways across the street, and then began to 
walk across the street.


******************************************************
**********

The Nether Regions of the Soul (part 12b)

disclaimers: see part 1

******************************************************
***************

Lisa took a tiny sip of her water.  LaCroix walked 
back into the living room carrying a goblet of scarlet 
colored liquid.

"Finally," thought Lisa to herself, "a grownup who 
drinks something besides Duff."

As he raised the crystal goblet, it reflected back all 
the colors of the rainbow.

"Lisa," he peered at her over the edge of his goblet, 
"What sort of problems have you been having with your 
family?"

"Well," Lisa finished off her water, "It's not that 
they don't care.  It's just they're always so busy.  
Bart is always in trouble.  You remember my brother 
right?"

"Oh yes," replied LaCroix, "A dreadful little monster.  
If I remember correctly, my dear".

"Yeah that's him," said Lisa with a smile, "It's just 
that no matter what I do, he does something that's so 
terrible, everyone forgets about me."  Lisa continued, 
"My mom tries to help, but she's always so busy taking 
care of Maggie and Bart."

Lisa sighed, "The truth is I'm surrounded by a family 
of baboons!"

"Hmmm," said LaCroix.  He could easily see Lisa's 
family now.  In his mind he could see a baboon-like 
Homer making hooting noises and chasing Bart around 
the front yard.

"Yes, I can see that," he said, taking another sip of 
his drink.  "and I have a sound solution to the 
problem at hand."

"Really?" Lisa looked relieved and happy, "What do you 
think I should do?"

"You need a new family, Lisa," LaCroix said, "and I 
can give you that, and more."

******************************************************
******

Janette had just caught Barney drinking from the beer 
tap.

"Mr. Gumbel," she pulled Barney up from the floor, 
"You are fired.  I will mail you your check next 
week."

Barney started making unintelligible noises as she 
threw him out the door.

Skinner nodded to Moe.  "You may be right.  She does 
have superhuman strength."

"Then lets go inside and get a closer look at her," 
said Moe.

Moe, Apu, Willie and Principal Skinner walked over to 
Homer.

"Hello, Mr. Homer," said Apu.  "How are you doing 
tonight?"

"I'm doing great," said Homer, "I have the job I've 
always wanted and I get to live vampire's hours."  
Homer snickered, thinking that he had made a funny 
joke.

Apu, Willie, Skinner and Moe all exchanged looks.  
"Don't ever make a joke about that Homer," said Moe,  
angrily.

Skinner motioned his comrades to join him, "Gentlemen, 
what if Ms. DuCharme has made Homer Simpson one of the 
undead."

"In that case, I think we should take him back with us 
too," said Moe.

"Hey, Homer," said Moe, "you should take a look at 
this," he pointed to a crack in the sidewalk.

"Take a look at what, Moe?" asked Homer.

Willie got behind Homer and knocked him out with a 
stake.

Homer fell facedown into the sidewalk.

Moe, Willie, Apu and Principal Skinner walked into the 
club.

Janette looked over at them and sighed.  What was that 
slack-jawed employee of hers thinking?  Especially 
since he allowed Moe Shidlap, the former owner of her 
club inside. Janette shook her head and made a mental 
note to speak to Homer about this.  On the other hand 
at least he did not try to steal from her.

Janette had promised Homer and Barney all they could 
drink.   However it was just too expensive.  "Those 
two could drive me into bankruptcy," she thought to 
herself.

"Ms. DuCharme," said Principal Skinner, "I think you'd 
better come with us."  He put his hand on her shoulder 
and quickly removed it.  She was stone cold.

"Principal Skinner," she said, "I believe that I 
should warn you about something."

"Warn me about what?" he asked.

"I believe you need to check on your elementary 
school."

"Why on earth, would I need to do that," asked 
Skinner, incredulously.

(thump-thump, thump-thump)

Janette looked him in the eye, "Because it is burning 
down."

"Oh dear lord."  Skinner grabbed Willie on the way out 
of the bar.

"Aach, Skinner were are we goin'?" asked Willie, "We 
were supposed to bring back that vampire!"

"Willie, I'm going to the fire department!  You start 
for the school.  It's on fire!"

"Fire!  I've got to save the wee turtles!"  Willie ran 
off in the direction of the elementary school.

******************************************************
*************
Dorian: "Willie finally reached the school.  He ran 
into Ms. Hoover's room and opened up the turtle 
aquarium."

Willie screamed as he rolled out of Ms. Hoover's room.

"Aach!!! Somebody save me from the wee turtles!!!"

******************************************************
***************



The Nether Regions of the Soul (part 12c)

See disclaimers part 1.

******************************************************
***************

(back at the Black Rose)


Apu and Moe looked at each other.  This was going to 
be a lot harder than they thought.

"I am not as easy to fool, Ms. Janette," said Apu.  "I 
know for a fact that the Kwik-E-Mart is not burning 
down."

"Oh," said Janette, she pulled him toward her and 
looked him in the eye.

"Don't you have a question for the owner of the first 
Kwik-E-Mart?" she asked. "Wasn't your squishy machine 
stolen from the Kwik-E-Mart today?"

"Yes, it was," mumbled Apu.  "I have to wonder how 
does the C.E.O. of the Kwik-E-Mart handle this at his 
own store."

"Well Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon, I would not know that.  
You should go to India to find out.  However, I 
believe that as soon as you find out the answer to 
this question, you will forget what the question was."

"Forget the question," mumbled Apu.  He started out of 
the club and Moe grabbed him on the way out.

"Where do you think you're going, Apu?" asked Moe.

"To India.  I must go see the head of the Kwik-E-Mart 
Corporation," said Apu.

******************************************************
*****
Dorian: "Apu Nahasapeemapetilon finally reached the 
summit of the highest mountain in all of India where 
the very first Kwik-E-Mart was located."

The ancient head of the corporation listened carefully 
to Apu's question.

"Do you cut off the hands of the men who steal from 
the store?" asked Apu.

"Yes, young man.  I do," replied the wise man.

Apu looked up confusedly.  "What was that?" he asked.

"I said that, Yes I do," repeated the wise man.

"Yes to what?" asked Apu.  "Why am I here?"

"I'm sorry my friend," said the wise man, "I can only 
answer one question for each non-paying customer.  
Thank you, come again."

******************************************************
***********
Homer finally woke up and walked in the club.

Off in a dark corner of the club, he saw Moe grab 
Janette by the arm.

"Let go of her, Moe," he yelled.

"Homer, you don't even know what you're doing.  I'm 
saving you and your family" Moe responded.

"Mr. Simpson, I'm sure I can deal with Mr. Shidlap," 
said Janette.

"Well all I know is that I'm taking you back with me, 
Janette," said Moe.

"Oh," replied Janette.  "Even if I tell you that I 
know who has been crank-calling Moe's Tavern all these 
years?"

Moe gasped.

"Tell me who's been doing it!  Tell me!  Tell me!"

"He's a well known man in Washington D.C.," said 
Janette.  "He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and he 
goes by the name of Slick Willie.  He also has an 
accomplice every once in awhile.  The accomplice is 
known around town as Bob Dull."

"A-ha!  Willie and Bob are gonna pay for this," said 
Moe.  He ran back home to get his gun.

******************************************************
******

Dorian: "Moe arrived early the next morning in 
Washington D.C."

Moe started counting the house numbers on Pennsylvania 
avenue.

"Let's see 1590, 1596, 1600!"

He ran through the front yard of the white house and 
began banging on the kitchen window.

"Hillary, is that someone we know?" asked President 
Clinton, as he lowered the election reports he had 
been reading.

Meanwhile, the Secret Service men caught up with Moe, 
and started to chase him off the lawn.

"Wait a minute I've got proof that the President and 
Bob Dole have been making crank phone calls to my 
tavern in Springfield for years!"

"Sure you do, buddy," replied the agent who finally 
seized Moe.

******************************************************
***

(Back to Springfield)

"Janette, that was amazing," said Homer, "How did you 
do that?"

"It was quite easy," replied Janette, "I have been 
getting crank calls ever since I bought Moe's Tavern.  
I know I'd like to kill that little monster myself."

"Homer, can you watch the club for me?" she asked as 
she put on her black leather jacket.

"Sure, Janette," said Homer.  "Where are you going?"

"Those men were after me and my family, Homer.  I must 
warn Nicola and LaCroix."

She left the club and had disappeared into the night 
sky before Homer could ask another question.

Dorian: "Join us again next time for the continuing 
saga of the Nether Regions of the Soul.  We will 
rejoin Homer as he attempts to watch over the Black 
Rose.  Nick will finally discover who is really the 
head of the international counterfeit jeans ring and 
Lisa will have to make the toughest decision of her 
life."

******************************************************
****************

Nether Regions of the Soul pt 13

see disclaimers part 1.

******************************************************
***********
Dorian: "We now return to Springfield and rejoin 
Maggie."

Maggie walked halfway across the street.  She stopped 
when the bright lights of a truck blinded her.  
Luckily, the truck rattled into the driveway across 
the street from the Flanderses.  She finally reached 
the curb on the other side of the street.  Maggie 
sucked on her pacifier worriedly.  How could she get 
inside?  Suddenly there was a flash of lightning in 
the night sky.  It illuminated the house and allowed 
Maggie to see an open basement window.

******************************************************
*
(inside the house)

Lisa was shocked.  A new family?  Could Mr. LaCroix be 
serious.

"Uh," she said.

"Don't you feel that family is the most important 
thing in life?  Haven't you noticed that you need a 
real family?"

"I don't know what you mean, Mr. LaCroix."  Lisa 
looked at her fingernails nervously.

"I think you do know what I mean, Lisa," he replied.

"I cannot remember how I lived without Janette and my 
Nicholas for so long," he sighed.  "But like all 
disrespectful children, they want to leave me.  If you 
joined us, they would remain with us."

"Is that the only reason you want me to join your 
family?" asked Lisa.  "I mean just to keep Janette and 
Nicho...I mean Nick?"

LaCroix laughed quietly.  "Of course not," he replied.

"I wish you would join us because I love you, just as 
much as Janette and Nicholas," LaCroix smiled coldly 
at Lisa.  "You remind me so much of my first child, 
Divia.  She had your genius, your love of music.  You 
two are alike in every way, but one."

"What way is that?" asked Lisa.

"Divia, unfortunately took too much after me," replied 
LaCroix.  "She was an evil child, and as she gained 
power, she became worse.  No, you, Lisa are just like 
my Nicholas."

Lisa didn't understand what he meant.  She looked at 
him confusedly.  LaCroix looked at her and smiled, 
gently this time.  He decided to change topics.

"I cannot imagine how much you have suffered in this 
dead little community.  I detest a community without 
culture.  We can all go back to Paris or London.  
Anywhere you'd like to go that is.  Lisa, there are 
hundreds of other advantages to joining my family.  
You can stay up as late as you like.  I'll take care 
of your education.  You won't be slowed down by the 
rest of your class any more.  Of course you'd have to 
give up the saxophone for a more appropriate 
instrument, but the entire world would be yours!"

He placed his hands on her shoulders

"What are you talking about?" asked Lisa, she wiggled 
out of his grasp.  "Adoption?  As much as I'd love it 
at first, I'd miss my *real* family." 

"Nicholas, Janette and I would be your real family.  
You said that you were living with a family of 
baboons.  Wouldn't you prefer the three of us to 
Homer, Bart, Marge and the 'uh baby?" asked LaCroix, 
his eyes beginning to reflect gold.

"How could we be a real family?" asked Lisa.

LaCroix turned to study the mantel, "Oh, you're 
referring to the blood ties you have with your family.  
Well we will take care of that easily enough."

"How?" asked Lisa.

LaCroix turned around to face her, his eyes now 
glowing and fangs lowered.  With a growl he said, 
"I'll show you."


******************************************************
***

Homer watched the Black Rose patrons warily.  He could 
not imagine what Janette would do to him if something 
happened while she was gone.

Homer heard the sound of rattling chains nearby.  He 
jumped, prepared for the worst, when Jimbo Jones and 
his friends walked inside.

"I'll have a beer, my good man," chuckled Jimbo as he 
leaped onto a barstool.

"Uhhh, get lost," said Homer.  He had seen what 
happened whenever LaCroix or Janette used that phrase.  
However, it didn't work as well for him.

"Hey, dude, we're just here to pick up our payoff," 
said Jimbo, "By the way we expect more than what Moe 
gave us.  This place is a lot cooler!  It has to make 
more money than Moe's old dive."

"What do you mean, payoff?" asked Homer.

"Moe paid us in beer for protection," replied Jimbo.

"No wonder he couldn't make any money," thought Homer 
to himself, "But what could eight kids do to protect 
the 'Black Rose'."

"Get outta here," yelled Homer.

"We'll be back, man," yelled Jimbo, as he jumped off 
the barstool.  "Then you'll be sorry!"

******************************************************
**************

Bart looked at his watch.  It was time to leave.

"Come on Bart.  Aren't you ready yet?" asked Ned.

Bart was still packing his backpack.  He placed 10 
holy water-balloons in it, and several stakes.

Ned closed the door and locked it behind Bart.

"Oh man," Bart mumbled to himself.  He was really 
stuck this time.

******************************************************
*************

"Don't worry  Bart.  No one will find us here," 
whispered Ned as he crouched under the ligustrum 
shrubbery.  He pulled Bart behind the shrubs just as 
Nick appeared from behind the garage.

Bart could feel the anger emanating from Nick.  Ned 
was about to jump from his hiding place, and Bart 
stopped him.

"Let's wait a minute," said Bart.  "It could be a 
trap."

"You're right," murmured Ned.  "We should wait until 
our reinforcements come back."

"Yeah.  That's what I meant," said Bart.

As Nick reached the front door, Janette suddenly 
appeared in front of him.

"Nicola, stop," she said.

"Why?" asked Nick.  "I have to speak with him.  Yes, 
Janette, I know."

Janette lowered her head, meekly.

"It's true," she said.

"Why?" asked Nick again.  "Why didn't you let me know?  
All this time and you didn't even tell me," Nick 
looked disappointed.

"Because, Nicola," she replied, "It was funny!  I 
helped him arrange it all!  Ever since you started on 
your little quest for humanity with the doctor, you've 
lost your sense of humor.  The Nicola I knew, would 
laugh about those ripped jeans, or perhaps think of 
some better joke."

"But, Janette," replied Nick, "the mortals..."

"Mortals, mortals, mortals," yelled Janette throwing 
up her hands.  "I think you care more about them than 
us.  That was the real reason we set up the joke.  
Besides the jeans ring was already in operation long 
before LaCroix bought it."

"No, wait a minute," she added.  "He *did* add in 
Pecos, Texas as a new drop off point. I swear that's 
all he, 'er we did Nicola."

Nick smiled.  "Okay then, let's go inside," he said.

"All right," said Janette with a smile.  She had 
forgotten LaCroix's request to keep Nick outside.

******************************************************
************

"Lisa," said LaCroix, "Don't you want to join my 
family?"

(th-thump, th-thump)

"Sure," mumbled Lisa.  "There are hundreds of 
advantages in joining your family," she added.

"That's correct, my dear," added LaCroix as he leaned 
forward.

Dorian: "LaCroix opened his mouth wider as he prepared 
to bite Lisa.  He didn't notice Maggie running toward 
him, until it was too late."

LaCroix looked up in terror.  Maggie moved faster than 
any mere mortal could.  Before LaCroix could react, 
the pacifier was in his mouth!

LaCroix was about to rip the offensive pacifier from 
his mouth and smite his attacker, when he looked at 
Maggie.  She stared at him with fearless impertinence.  
LaCroix had never seen such power in such a young 
mortal child.

He felt powerless in her presence, and he sat down and 
lowered his head in respect; the pacifier still in 
between his lips.

At that exact moment Nick opened the door.  He and 
Janette stood there with open mouths until...

LaCroix looked up at them and made sucking noises on 
the pacifier.

Janette and Nick collapsed.  They hung onto each other 
as they laughed.  Blood-red tears came flowing from 
their eyes.

LaCroix finally removed the pacifier, shook his head, 
and made a face that Nick and Janette knew well.  They 
both stopped laughing.

At that moment the door slammed.  Ned and Bart were in 
the house.

******************************************************
*******************

Dorian: "What will happen at the Black Rose?  Will 
Lisa become a vampire?  Will Nick confront LaCroix?  
Soon we will know the answers to these questions in 
the Nether Regions of the Soul."

**************************************************

Nether Regions of the Soul pt. 14a

see disclaimers part 1

******************************************************
****************

Dorian:  "We now return to Springfield, where we join 
Ned and Bart in the Ligustrum bushes just before they 
enter Nick and LaCroix's house."

Bart watched as Nick and Janette opened the door to 
the house.  Meanwhile, Ned appeared to be thinking 
things through.

"Where is everyone," Ned asked himself.  "Surely she 
couldn't have fooled them all."  Then he realized that 
Nick and Janette left the door open.

"Bart, it's time to rumble," he said with a big grin.  
Bart bit his lower lip.

"But, Ned, there's only two of us.  There's at least 
three of them in there!"

Ned helped Bart remove his backpack, and opened it.  
He took out about six stakes for himself and handed 
nine or ten to Bart.

"You've forgotten, Bart, we have surprise on our 
side," said Ned.

******************************************************
***************
(At Springfield penitentiary)

Chief Wiggum and his guards were sound asleep as Jimbo 
Jones and Nelson Muntz snuck into the back office.

Nelson carefully removed the large keychain from the 
chief's pocket, and walked over to the first row of 
cells.

"Now remember what I told you, dude," Jimbo said to 
Snake as he opened his cell and handed him the keys.

"All right, I just got out of jail and I'm already 
invited to a party at the 'Black Rose'," said Snake.  
He began to open the other cells.

******************************************************
*****************

(Back at the 'Black Rose')

Homer watched the patrons nervously, even though they 
all appeared to be on their best behavior.  The gothic 
band that was playing began their next dark number.  
Couples were slowly dancing on the floor.

Homer heaved a sigh of relief.  Everything would be 
just fine.

Just as Homer began to relax, he heard motorcycles 
roaring up the street.  Tires squealed as the convicts 
rolled into the small parking lot on the side of the 
Black Rose.

"Oh no," murmured Homer to himself.

(15 minutes later--)

Everyone was gone, and the interior of the 'Black 
Rose' was trashed.

Homer came out from hiding in the ladies' room and saw 
the destruction.

"D'OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  His cry echoed 
through the club.

Even the menacing-looking regulars were gone.

Jimbo and his friends walked into the what remained of 
the club.

"I told you that we take care of things, dude," said 
Jimbo.

"Ha, ha," said Nelson, as he pointed to Homer.

******************************************************
***************

Dorian: "The motorcycle gang drove out of the parking 
lot oblivious to the danger that loomed above them."

"In unison, they flew.  Their destination: revenge."

******************************************************
*******

Nether Regions of the Soul pt 14b/15

see disclaimers part 1

The door slammed behind Bart and Ned.

The three vampires, Lisa and Maggie all turned to look 
at Ned and Bart.

Bart couldn't believe his eyes.  What was Lisa doing 
here?

"Hey, that's not fair," said Bart.  "I'd be a much 
better vampire than Lisa."

"Huh?" asked Lisa.  She had just come out of her 
trance.

Ned rushed past Bart, with a stake in his hand.

"Die, Vampire, DIE," he yelled as he prepared to stake 
LaCroix.

"NOOOO!!!!"  Lisa stopped Ned's hand.   "Don't kill 
him!"

Ned looked at her confusedly, "Why not?  He was going 
to kill you.  He was going to kill me..."  He dropped 
the stake and looked at Nick and Janette.

"You two were there," said Ned.

Nick and Janette appeared klewless.

"At the Java Jive," said Ned.  "You saved my life."

Nick finally remembered.   He turned to LaCroix.

"Ned must be a resistor," said Nick.

Ned turned to Lisa, "I should have baptized you in the 
lake when I had the chance."

Lisa bit her lip.

LaCroix glanced over at her and sensed her thoughts.

(th-thump, th-thump).

Lisa looked up into the sky and suddenly a horrific 
face with a maniacal grin blocked out the sun.  A 
frightened Lisa looked past the face and saw a vessel 
filled with deadly holy water that was about to drown 
her.  She tried to push away the vessel and screamed, 
"Noooooo!"

He grimaced at that thought and made a grumbling noise 
reminiscent of Sideshow Bob.  However, there was still 
the matter at hand.

"I thought you said you would take care of this," said 
LaCroix.  Nick shook his head.  "No, you said you 
would take care of it," Nick replied.

"Oh whatever," mumbled LaCroix.  He rose from the 
couch, and handed Maggie her pacifier.

"Mr. Flanders, perhaps I can be of some service."

Ned nodded his head,  "I still don't understand.  Why 
did Lisa save you?  You're an evil, godless 
bloodsucker?"

(Th-thump, th-thump)

LaCroix smiled and shook his head.  "Now, Ned, do you 
see any politicians here?" he asked.

"Uh no," said Ned.

LaCroix looked around the room, "Does anyone here 
drink blood?"

Janette shook her head.  "Of course not," said Nick.

"Liar!"

Bart turned to face Nick with the stake in his hand.

LaCroix left Ned in his trance and walked over Bart.

"Now, Bart, listen to me carefully," he began.

"No way," said Bart.  It was time to leave this crazy 
house.

Bart began to run stake-first for the door.  He was so 
worried about getting away from LaCroix that he didn't 
notice Nick standing in his way.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," Nick screamed as Bart accidentally 
plunged the stake into his groin.

"OOPS," said Bart.  He turned around to look at Nick, 
who was now on the floor.  Janette raised up his head 
gently and lowered it into her lap.  

Nick turned around.  His eyes were glowing and his 
fangs had lowered.  "You little monster, I'll get you 
for this," he growled.

Bart ran out of the house, screaming as he slammed the 
door behind him.

LaCroix refocused his attention on Ned.

"You're very tired, aren't you, Ned?  So tired, that 
your imagination is running away with you.  You 
haven't eaten much in the last few days, have you, 
Ned?"

Ned nodded his head.

"You haven't slept much either, have you?" asked 
LaCroix.

"No," replied Ned.

"There you see," said LaCroix.  "When we do not get 
enough sleep or food, our minds cannot differentiate 
reality from the dream world."

"You're right," replied Ned, looking relieved.

"Now, Mr. Flanders, I think you should go home, have a 
nice dinner and go to bed.  Forget all this vampire 
nonsense," LaCroix walked with Ned to the front door.  
"And one last thing."

"Yes," said Ned.

"Every time you think about vampires or vampire 
hunting, you will think of stakes instead, and you 
will forget all about 'Neddy the Vampire Slayer,'" 
added LaCroix.

"Okali dokali," said Ned.  He walked out of the house, 
with a blank smile on his face, and closed the door 
behind him.

******************************************************
*************

Nether Regions of the Soul pt. 14c/15


Lisa wandered over to where Nick lay and murmured, "So 
you all are vampires."

"Yes, of course," replied LaCroix.  He kneeled down to 
help Nick.

"See where your compassion for these slack-jawed 
yokels has gotten you," he whispered to Nick.

Nick closed his eyes in pain as LaCroix pulled out the 
stake.  Janette gently ran her fingers through Nick's 
hair as the stake was removed. 

"Will he be...," Janette asked him.

"He will be fine, although I would avoid instigating 
any strenuous activity for a few days if I were you," 
said LaCroix with a small smile.

Nick opened his eyes again and sat up.

"Lisa, why did you stop Ned?" asked Nick.

Everyone turned to look at Lisa.  She sighed.

"Because, I've already lost one mentor," she said.

Nick nodded his head wearily.

"So, does that mean you will join us?" asked LaCroix.  
He glanced over to Maggie cautiously.  Maggie stared 
back at him with open hostility.

Janette and Nick smiled at each other.

"Well," said Lisa.

"LaCroix, perhaps you should give her some time to 
think this over," suggested Janette.  She stood up and 
dusted off her dress.

"Yeah," said Lisa.  "There's still a lot I want to do, 
and I can't do all of it in the dark."

"Very well then, Lisa," replied LaCroix.  "How long do 
you need?"

"How about in a century," suggested Nick angrily.  
"Lisa, you do not want to be one of us.  Look at us!  
We argue all the time!  The past 800 years have 
been..."

"A hell?" asked LaCroix.  "Don't tell me you haven't 
enjoyed some of our adventures, Nicholas."

"Well...," began Nick.  "Lisa, I have all been trying 
to avoid Janette and LaCroix for most of this century.  
Until about 6 years ago," he added.  

"Well, that's like any other family," said Lisa.  
"LaCroix knows that my family and I don't see eye to 
eye on much, and we'd like to get away from each other 
sometimes, but we still love each other."

"That's true," said Janette.

"All right, all right," said Nick, with a thin smile.  
"You are right about that.  We are the only family we 
will ever have, but I'll have no part in bringing 
anyone across." Nick limped upstairs and Janette began 
to follow him.

LaCroix looked over at Lisa.  "Well then, how long do 
you need, Lisa?"

Lisa smiled and shrugged.  "I have no idea," she 
replied.

"How about waiting until you are 25?" asked LaCroix.

"All right," said Lisa, "but I still want a chance to 
turn down immortality".

LaCroix sighed angrily, "You should be grateful I'm 
giving you a chance to grow up first."

Lisa nearly jumped back when she heard the growl 
emanating from the back of his throat.

"Uh, OK," she said.

"The sun is about to rise," noted LaCroix.  "You'd 
better get home, Lisa."

"Yeah," said Lisa.

"Just a minute," said LaCroix.  "I have something for 
you," he took a small box from his pocket.  "I was 
going to give this to you after I brought you across.  
However, I still want you to have it."

Lisa lifted the top of the box.  Inside was a black 
choker necklace with small white pearls and a small 
brooch in the center.

"Oooo," she said, lifting it to the light.  "Is this a 
cameo?"

"Actually," said LaCroix, "we called it an intaglio 
brooch.  May I?"

Lisa spun around, and he kneeled down to place it 
around her neck.

"Oh, it's too big," said Lisa disappointingly.

"You'll grow into it,"  LaCroix walked her back to the 
door.  The sun was rising.  Pink and orange lights 
colored the early morning sky.

"Until then, Lisa," said LaCroix.  He kissed her hand 
and she smiled.

"Au Revoir," Lisa said.  She began to walk with Maggie 
back across the street.

He watched until she was inside her house before he 
closed the door.

******************************************************
**************

Dorian: "Will Jimbo Jones and the motorcycle gang 
become a meal for the 'true patrons' of the Black 
Rose?   Will Natalie be able to respect Nick, despite 
his injuries?  Which talk shows will Bart call to 
speak about vampirism in Springfield?  Will Lisa be 
able to hold back Maggie from attacking vampires?  
Join us again for the epilogue of Nether Regions of 
the Soul.  Same Nick time.  Same Nick Channel."

Nether Regions of the Soul --Epilogue 15a/15

disclaimers: see part 1

******************************************************
************

Dorian: "We now rejoin Bart at the old Simpson place."

Bart groaned as he threw the pillow over his head.

Marge opened the door.  It was nearly noon.  Bart 
should be awake by now.

"Bart!  Wake up!  Rise and shine, my special little 
guy."  Marge pulled the covers off Bart.

"Uh...Mom," Bart whined.

"Bart, you didn't even get into your jami-jams," said 
Marge.  "It's lunch time, go get Lisa.  She's been 
acting oddly ever since yesterday.  She's been like a 
hermit in that room of  hers."

"Okay, Mom," grumbled Bart.  He got up and rubbed his 
eyes.  He looked through the window and saw Homer 
napping in the hammock.  Ned Flanders was cooking 
steaks out on the grill.  The neighborhood seemed 
normal once again.

Bart walked to Lisa's room and opened the door without 
knocking.   The curtains and blinds were closed in her 
room.  Only the desk light was lit.

Lisa was furiously scribbling on a pad in front of 
her.  Instead of wearing her usual red dress, she was 
in black.  She had a funny-looking necklace on too.

"Lisa are you OK?" asked Bart, gulping.  He hadn't 
seen Lisa since last night.

"I'm just fine, Bart," said Lisa, without turning 
around.

"Are you sure?" asked Bart, "After what happened last 
night...,"

At that point Lisa turned around and smiled.  She had 
a set of false fangs in her mouth.

"Just like I said, everything is fine," she chirped.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," Bart screamed as he ran out of 
her room.

Lisa started laughing.  She'd have to remember to wear 
these fangs the next time Bart started teasing her.

******************************************************
*************
(That night)

Ned and Maude Flanders walked into the dining room 
with dinner.  Rod and Todd sat expectantly at the 
table.

"Here you go boys, steak.  Yumidilily yum," said Ned.

"Aw, dad," said Todd.  "Not *steak* again!"

"Yeah," said Rod.  "It's the third time we've had it 
today!"

******************************************************
*****************
Dorian: "The patrons of the Black Rose were 
understandably upset when the club was demolished by 
the convicts from Springfield Penitentiary.  The 
convicts were not aware that danger was following them 
until the next night."

Snake woke up the next evening after the party at the 
'Black Rose'.  It was time to head downtown for his 
card game scam.   He was heading for his new 
motorcycle when he felt something hit him in the head.

Jimbo Jones and his friends headed for the Kwik-E-
Mart.  They had heard Apu was on vacation and figured 
that there should be something there worth taking.  
The boys raced down to Kwik-E-Mart. The next thing 
they knew they were at the 'Black Rose'.

(At the 'Black Rose')

LaCroix walked into the 'Black Rose'.  Janette had 
asked him to look in on the place since she was 
looking after Nick.

The place was the shambles.

Homer Simpson was trying to fix up the place, and 
LaCroix snuck up behind him.

Homer turned around to put the broken pieces of glass 
into the trash.

"AAAAAAAAAA," he shrieked, as he saw LaCroix glowering 
at him fiercely.  Behind LaCroix were twenty members 
of the Springfield vampire community.

"It was Jimbo Jones," whined Homer.  "He demanded 
payoff beer last night.  I didn't think he could do 
anything, so I told him to get lost.  He brought in 
some convicts, and they wrecked the place."

"I see," said LaCroix.  "Would this be Jimbo Jones?"  
He pulled Jimbo into the club along with Snake and 
Nelson.

"Yeah, that's him," said Homer, pointing to Jimbo.

"Please, dude.  Don't let those guys hurt me," begged 
Jimbo.  He looked over at Janette's regular patrons 
and shivered.  He began to cry.  Snake and Nelson 
cowered behind him.

"Wah, wah," cried Nelson.

"LaCroix," said one of other vampires.  "We can take 
care of these three."  Homer fainted when she growled 
and bared her fangs.

"No," said LaCroix.  "There was one vampire hunter 
here in the community.  If there were too many 
unexplained deaths here, these slack-jawed yokels 
would all start asking questions.  No my children.  
Let's put these wicked men to better use."

The vampires watched as the convicts and Jimbo's gang 
cleaned up the place.  LaCroix was talking to Police 
Chief Wiggum.

"It's a good thing you and your friends didn't get 
hurt capturing these men," stated the chief.  He 
watched Snake use the mop to clean up the last few 
pieces of glass off the floor.

"Yes, well we felt that we should make them clean the 
mess they had made," he examined the dust on his 
fingertips and pulled Jimbo over to dust.

"If you don't mind, Mr. Jones.  We'd appreciate you 
actually picking up some dust this time," he said.

******************************************************
***********************


Nether Regions of the Soul part 15b/15

(Back at Nick and LaCroix's)

"Nick, are you sure you want to leave tomorrow?" asked 
Janette.  She was considering leaving Springfield.  
After what happened yesterday, Janette felt that her 
family needed her.  Besides that, LaCroix had 
mentioned what happened to the 'Black Rose'.  Oh well 
at least she still could visit 'The Raven'.

"Yeah.  I want to leave as soon as possible," said 
Nick.  "I called Nat this morning, and she's on her 
way."

Janette smiled as she bent down to kiss his forehead.  
"Did you tell her about your...," she paused.  
"Injuries?" she asked.

Nick grinned sheepishly.

******************************************************
*******

(A few hours later)

Natalie gunned the motor as she rolled into the 
driveway.

"Well, hello, stranger," she called to Nick as she 
jumped out of his car.

She ran up to hug him.

"OWCH!"  Nick jumped to one side with a look of 
extreme discomfort on his face.

"What happened?" asked Natalie.

Nick looked over his should at LaCroix and Janette.  
"Um, I'll tell you later," he said.

LaCroix looked over at the Simpson place.  He noticed 
the curtains move in Lisa's room.

******************************************************
************

(The next morning)

"This is the Jerry Show and today we're talking about 
vampires," said Jerry Tate with a big smile.

"I'm speaking to a young man on the phone right now, 
who says his own sister is a vampire," he continued, 
with a serious, frowny-face.

The audience gasped and Jerry spoke into the 
microphone, "Hello, caller."

"Hi, Jerry.  My name is Bart Simpson, I'm calling from 
Springfield and my sister is a vampire!"

******************************************************
*************

Dorian: "We now return to Toronto."

Nick walked into the loft and picked up his remote.  
He noticed a large box in the middle of his couch.  He 
untied it warily.

Inside was a new pair of jeans.  He smiled and picked 
up the phone.

"Thanks for the jeans.  I know it was a difficult 
thing for you to do," he said.

"Nonsense, I just hope I got the right size," said 
LaCroix.

******************************************************
*************

(A scene for my Valentine friends!)

Natalie sat up in bed next to LaCroix.

"Doctor, I'm sure this wasn't entirely a social call," 
he said.

"Well," said Natalie.  "I just wanted to know why Nick 
was always so jumpy whenever I tried to touch him,"

LaCroix pulled her in closely and began to whisper in 
her ear.

"So that's why he's been acting so strangely," she 
said, between giggles.

LaCroix smiled back.  "His quest for mortality has 
made his rate of healing slower.  He will be back to 
normal in a few weeks.  However, I must admit I wish 
he'd heal slower."

He began to kiss her again.

Natalie laughed again.  "Perhaps we should get 
together to discuss him more often."

******************************************************
****************

Dorian: "Seventeen years have gone by.  Maggie Simpson 
now has her own radio show. Lisa just moved to Toronto 
to escape her last relationship.  She had been jilted 
at the altar.

Lisa sat at her desk, writing in her diary.

"I can't believe I was so foolish," she wrote.  "I 
should have known better."

She heard a creaking noise behind her and looked up.  
There was nothing there, and she shrugged.

(Meanwhile back in Springfield)

"KBBL is proud to present "Springfield's own Lady of 
the Endless Night, Maggie Simpson."

Maggie's assistant whispered to her from the next 
booth, "Maggie?  Maggie, are you OK?"

Maggie gasped.  She knew Lisa was in danger.

Lisa wiped her eyes.  "If only my old friend was here 
with me," she whispered to herself.

She was about to close her diary when she felt a pair 
of cold hands settle on her shoulders.

"Your friend is here with you now," whispered LaCroix.

All she saw was a flash of yellow eyes and fangs.  
Lisa smiled as she felt the fangs descend on her 
throat.

"I knew you'd find me," she whispered.


*fin*

******************************************************
**********


Cousin Heather (Heather P. 
email~~czheather@earthlink.net)
from Houston, Texas.  Now in Aggieland (for the past 
5.5 years anyway)
Bunny-Hugger of the McGregors 
Clan~~COTK~~UF~~Valentine~~DT
        Tired of voting for the lesser of two evils?
        Put a real bloodsucker in office.  LaCroix in 
'96
"Give a Day to the Knight!"--
www.earthlink.net/~alasher/day.html
*Co-founder of the DarkTrinity faction. Ask me and 
Cousin Jen about it*
In the words of the Immortal Homer Simpson, "D'OH!  I 
mean WOOOHOOO!"