Hi, my name is Kim, and I'm a Nunkies addict. In honor of our noble scribe's upcoming birthday, Heather Poinsett and I have scribbled a little extended Nunkies fantasy for her. When you speak of this -- and you will -- be kind. UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" Part 1/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett "Where did you say you got this stuff?" Kim asked. "I told you," Heather replied. "My great-great-grandmother MacIntyre got the recipe from Duncan MacLeod. It's supposed to turn any immortal into your slave." She laughed evilly over the telephone. "He'll do whatever we want." Kim shifted the phone on her shoulder, glancing upstairs at Nick's sleeping form on the bed, before resuming in a lowered voice. "But what if it doesn't work on vampires?" "My granny said it'll work on any immortal. Well, vampires are immortal, aren't they?" "Yeah, but -- " she looked around cautiously. "But Uncle isn't just any vampire." "Look," Heather said impatiently. "If we want to get Nunkies and Bonnie together by her birthday, we've got to resort to experimental methods. Bons is on the alert after her little fiasco with Jules and Annie, so we'll never get her to come to Toronto. Therefore, we'll bring Nunkies to her." They had hatched the plan in long, fevered e-mails across the continent, Heather in Texas, Kim still in Toronto. Although her class-action bovine discrimination lawsuit had settled, leaving her a very wealthy woman, Kim insisted that she had to stick around a while to "tie up loose ends." Heather reflected that most of those loose ends seemed to be at Det. Knight's loft, from whence Kim had refused to emerge since the day she had swooned at the sight of Nunkies in the courtroom at Patt's arraignment. Heather decided she needed to fly to Toronto so that she could help in the plan to throw Nunkies in a Hefty Bag (tm) and take him to Bonnie's home. Heather had helpfully suggested using the Clan MacIntyre's foolproof immortal whammy potion to drug Nunkies into a stupor long enough to bag him, stow him and ship him. "Think of us as the UPS (tm)," Heather had commented. "The Undead Parcel Service." Emerging from her flashback, Heather said, "Okay, I'll book my flight to Canada right now. I should be able to make it up there by this evening. Meet me at CERK at 10 p.m., bring Nick's caddy, and *don't* chicken out on me. You're the one who came up with this scheme." "I know," Kim whined. "But, what if --" "That's it! You've been hanging around with Nick too long. As soon as I get up there, I'm dragging you back with us, even if I have to stick you in the trunk with Nunkies." Hmmm. Kim considered the threat. There didn't seem to be any downside either way. "Okay," she said perkily. "CERK at 10 p.m.!" She hung up the phone just as Nick was starting down the stairs. She smiled in appreciation as he buttoned his black silk shirt, and reflected that Toronto had indeed been good to her. Two high-profile cases, one of which had made her a multi-millionairess, had come her way since arriving only two weeks ago. Getting her fellow addicts' cases dismissed had been strictly pro bono -- she had taken an oath to protect her fellow addicts, and it was her duty -- but she had raked in big bucks on the class-action suit. It settled for $24 million dollars, and her normal attorney's fee would have been one-third of that. However, in a stunning display of logic and legal mumbo-jumbo, she had convinced the judge that since her clients were unable to use or even appreciate money, the entire settlement should go to her, and he had agreed. Ah, well,' she thought, as Nick took her in his arms for a passionate (late) good morning kiss, Once a cousin, always a cousin.' "What are you up to today, Counselor," he asked, smiling down at her with his sapphire blue eyes. She played with the buttons of his shirt, smiling innocently. "Ummm, actually, I was planning to go shopping, but my brand new Porsche (tm) is in the shop already, and so I was wondering . . . could I borrow the Caddy?" He shook his head. "I'm on duty tonight. I'll need the car myself." "Oh, I already talked to Schanke, and he said he could drive tonight. I understand he's got a new deodorizer hanging from his rear-view mirror -- the delirium-inducing scent of souvlaki!" Being the brick that he was, he caved and handed her the keys to his treasure. The Caddy, I mean. "Not a scratch!" he warned as she hurried toward the elevator. "Oh, and Kim -- " She turned, breathless, afraid he had somehow figured out her nefarious plans. "Don't say anything to Natalie about this, okay?" She held up three fingers. "Not a word. Girl Scout's honor." She closed the door of the elevator and hit the 1st floor button, reflecting that it was a shame she'd never been a Girl Scout. ***************** After Heather finished talking to Kim, she picked up her phone again and began dialing. "Hello, International Connections, Jill speaking." "Hi Jill, this is Heather." Heather looked at her watch as she spoke to her old friend. "Do you have anything my speed to Toronto in say 2 hours?" Jill began hmming to herself, "As a matter of fact. Here's a flight from Inversion Layer Airlines. It's third class though." "Creiche," grumbled Heather. "Oh well, what other choice do I have?" She asked as a plan began forming in her mind. With the help of the magical fanfic fairies, she could drive to Toronto in 12 hours, with plenty of time to further decipher her granny's magical potion. Besides that, ever since that trip to England, she had been wary of long flights. "So...shall I book you?" asked Jill. "And get stuck next to a hyper-active four year old, again? No thanks, Jill, I'll drive." ----------------------------------------------- (After four hours) "On the road again," sang Heather, slightly out of tune. "Jus' can't wait to get on the road again!" Heather had finished deciphering her granny's handwriting. She had finally given up and decided that the magical ingredients *had* to work, no matter how crazy they sounded and looked on paper. After eight more hours of Heather singing various hits such as 'Tainted Love', 'Voulez Vous', 'Ballroom Blitz', and less well known Scottish songs such as 'First Prize' and 'Wild Rover'(we'll generously spare you from this.), she finally arrived in Toronto. -- I bet you thought Bonnie'd never appear . . . UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" Part 2/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett The previous evening -- Bonnie was just pulling into her driveway when the UPS guy stepped off her porch. He came over to her as she got out and handed her a thin package. After signing for it and thanking the strangely alluring young man, she opened it hurriedly, stopping only briefly to wonder when UPS had begun making night deliveries. She walked inside and pulled out of the cardboard envelope a first-class plane ticket on Inversion Layer Airlines to Toronto the next aftermoon. There was also a letter typed on heavy bond paper. She read it aloud to her feline companions, including their guest, Jake: Dear Bons, Happy Birthday from Kim & Heather! As a special treat, we're inviting you to an all-expense paid week in Toronto, with accommodations at the five-star Hotel de la Croix, room service and gratuities included. When you arrive, you will also receive tickets to a very special ABBA reunion concert, to be held in a private room of the Jeweled Peach. DO NOT BRING BRIAN. We have arranged for a special companion during your stay. Ave atque vale, Heather & Kim "Oooh, Jake, look at this," she cried, holding the letter out to Robi's cat. Jake had for some reason grown quite attached to Bonnie ever since her stolen car had been returned. He came to visit as often as he could, given his pet's difficulty in comprehending his orders. Sometimes, when Robi refused to take him herself, he would hypnotize her into sending him on an airplane in a carrier. When he would arrive at Bonnie's, he would go through each room in the house, poking into every nook and cranny, as if he were searching for someone in particular. Jake scanned the correspondence in Bonnie's hand and sniffed it suspiciously. It had a familiar smell, one that he associated with white roses and auto parts. "Mrow," he told Bonnie. "Yes, aren't Kim and Heather nice?" she replied. Jake gave a little cat shrug and padded away. If humans were so smart, he thought, how come they couldn't learn cat? Oh, well, she'd find out eventually. He smiled a cat smile and laid down for his bi-hourly nap. "La la la la la, la la la la la, honey I'm still free, take a chance on me," Bons sang to herself as she packed merrily. "What do you think, kitties?" she asked, holding up a pink satin off-the-shoulder gown next to a midnight-blue velvet, backless number. "Which one should I take?" They mrowed amongst themselves a little, Bonnie listening intently. Finally, she nodded. "You're right. I'll take both." The next day, she was setting her luggage by the front door when the doorbell rang. She opened it to find another very handsome young man wearing a suit and black cap standing on her doorstep. A long, stretch, dove-grey limousine sat purring in front of her house, attracting the stares of her nosy and envious neighbors. The man tipped his hat and informed her he'd been instructed to drive her to the airport. Easily picking up her suitcases, he escorted her to the door and helped her in. She looked around the plush interior in awe. The seats were upholstered in the softest velvet, a Bach cantata thrummed softly on the CD stereo system, some very clever person had designed an aromatherapy machine that dispensed the scent of tiramisu, and a bucket of ice held a freshly uncorked bottle of Moet et Chandon. She helped herself to a glass and leaned back in comfort. 'Wow,' she thought to herself. 'Who knew Kim and Heather could be this generous?' The car seemed to float all the way to the airport, where she was driven on an airport cart by yet another handsome man to the gate. There, she was escorted by the Captain himself ahead of the other passengers onto the plane, and seated in a roomy leather window seat. As the plane took off, the Captain announced that in honor of their special guest, who was turning 20 on June 11th, there would be no movie today. Rather, the feature would be back-to-back showings of Forever Knight, including "Be My Valentine." Bonnie sighed with pleasure, almost drooling in anticipation of the treats that lay in store for her. Little did she know. ************************************ Back in Toronto . . . Jules refused to introduce them to Lacroix, handing them the keys to the studio instead and quickly making her exit. She didn't have much faith in the potion or our intrepid heroines, and didn't want to be around when all hell broke loose. Heather and Kim heard the screeching of her tires as they tiptoed towards the soundbooth, Jules' keys in hand. "She's awfully squeamish for someone who works as a personal assistant to a vampire," Heather commented. "I understand it does terrible things to your nerves," Kim answered, then looked upward thoughtfully. "I wonder if she'd ever consider filing a Worker's Compensation suit?" Heather jerked her head toward the studio and muttered, "Come on. Let's get it over with. You got the bag?" Kim nodded. "You got the potion?" Heather pulled the spray bottle filled with immortal whammy juice out of her backpack. "Okay, you know the plan," she said. "We go in, talk to him a little bit, then I spray him, you bag him, and we both carry him to the Caddy." Kim nodded again, silently resolving not to tell Heather that she had called Nick before arriving at the station. She had had a few hours between leaving the loft and meeting Heather at CERK to think about the plan, and especially all the things that could go wrong. She didn't know why, but she had a strange premonition that the plan might not work. She had been sitting at the Raven, shortly after sundown, drinking a frozen Margarita to bolster her courage, when a long-haired, unshaven slacker vampire had taken the seat next to her. She gave him a quick once-over, noting that he had the right kind of build to look very tasty in a kilt and sporran. Maybe,' she thought, if all goes well tonight, Heather and I can come back to Toronto and throw a vampire ceilidh.' She smiled at the image of the slacker and Nick doing a jig in plaid skirts. She was chuckling softly to herself when the vampire leaned close to her and whispered, "It won't work, you know." She raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You can't dance?" she said. "No. Your little plan for Lacroix -- it won't work." A chill went up her spine. How did he know about that? Had Heather talked? Or was there some other security leak she knew nothing of? She thought he simply had to be bluffing, but decided upon reflection that it wouldn't hurt to have a little backup. She got off her barstool and went back to the ladies room, where buff slave boys in loincloths waited to pamper the female customers. She went into the lounge area, pulled out her Super-Duper Mulder Special Cell Phone and dialed Nick's number at the precinct. "Knight here." "Hi, Shmoopie! How's work?" "Fine." His voice oozed with suspicion. "What's wrong?" "Nothing. I was just wondering . . . " He said nothing, willing her to finish the sentence he dreaded hearing. She cleared her throat and continued. "I just thought I'd call and see if you and Schanke were going to be out tonight. Maybe in the vicinity of the radio station? At around 10?" Nick sighed deeply, knowing he couldn't turn his back on any mortal in need. He was just too, too noble for words. "Yeah, I think we may swing by there around that time," he answered. "Why? What are you up to?" "Nothing, I swear. It's just that a friend of mine is in town, and she wanted to meet the Nightcrawler, so I thought I'd take her over there." She paused. "That's all." Nick promised to be there, then hung up angrily. He should have known better than to get involved with a lawyer. "Kim? Kim!" Heather waved her hands in front of her co-conspirator's face. "This is no time to have a flashback. We've got work to do! Come on." They crept noiselessly through the darkened station lobby, lit only by the soft spots directed at the photos of its star that hung on the carpeted walls. Heather dabbed a bit of drool from her chin as they passed it, skulking ever onward towards the door that separated them from the fearsome, and fearfully handsome, Nunkies. She stopped and stared at the doorknob, unable to move her hand toward the lock. "What are you waiting for?" Kim whispered, pushing her arm until the key scratched against the steel door. "Stop it," Heather hissed. "Look what you made me do now. I left a mark on the door." "Nuh-uh. It's stainless steel, it doesn't scratch." "It does too." "Does not." They were still arguing when Nunkies opened the door. He stood smiling down at them, his icy-blue eyes mesmerizing in the dim light of the station. Heather grabbed Kim as she started to sway, remembering her predilection for passing out at the mere sight of Lucien Lacroix. "My, my," he said softly. "To what do I owe the honor of being visited by two such charming young ladies?" Heather hid the keys in her hand and surreptitiously slipped them into her backpack. Straightening up, she smiled winningly and said, "Cousin Jules is a friend of ours and we stopped by to visit her. Is she around?" "No, she doesn't appear to be, does she? Perhaps you ladies would like to come into the studio. I'm just about to begin my show for the evening." He stood aside and ushered them in, firmly closing the door behind them. Kim settled weakly in a chair in the corner, overcome by his presence, while Heather stayed near, one hand in her backpack and around the spray bottle. "Ooh, what are all those buttons and lights for?" she asked. He turned to look where she was pointing. Quickly, she pulled the bottle from her pack and pumped three doses right in his face. He turned around, eyes yellow and fangs bared. "You didn't really think that would work on me, did you?" Before the lights went out, Kim saw Nunkies slowly advancing on Heather, and sprung into action. She leapt on his back, grabbing him around the neck, while Heather grabbed his knees and yanked. "Ow!" Kim groaned breathlessly as Lacroix fell on top of her. With the lights out, she couldn't see, but was reasonably certain that only a thin pad separated the carpet from the hard concrete floor beneath. "You were supposed to pull him forward, not backward!" She kept her arms around him as he struggled against her. Heather climbed on top of him, struggling to get his hands into the holy handcuffs. "Oof! Get off!" "I'm trying to cuff him." "That's my hand you just cuffed!" "Is that your hand?" "No, that's my ankle!" "Wait!" "Ow!" "Where is he?" "I've got him!" Kim heard the click of the handcuffs. She quickly pulled the Hefty Bag (tm) out of her capacious purse and stuffed their captor in, firmly tying the sturdy yellow handles together. Nunkies continued to thrash about, so Heather took the lid off the bottle and dumped its contents in through the top of the bag. The movement stopped and the lights came back on. "There," Heather said with satisfaction. "I told you this stuff would work. Now let's get him to Bonnie!" As they struggled through the parking lot, dragging Lacroix's heavy body bag to the car and dumping it in, Kim bitterly reflected that Nickie obviously wasn't as trustworthy, reliable, honest and true as everyone thought. A big, strong vampire would have no problem with hefting Lacroix's (un)dead weight around. As they finally got him stowed away in the trunk and wiped the sweat from their brows, Kim cursed the day she'd ever decided to get involved with a cop. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" Part 3/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett Earlier that evening . . . Bonnie was led into her deluxe, penthouse hotel suite by a devilishly handsome young man with a winning smile. She offered to tip him, but he refused, saying that all of the gratuities had been taken care of in advance. She watched him leave, then turned to survey her accommodations. The graciously appointed living room afforded a panoramic view of Toronto, and she savored the sight of auburn clouds streaking the indigo sky on the western horizon. Strewn throughout the room were bouquets of white roses, with more in the bedroom. Bonnie looked at the card attached to one of the bouquets, reading aloud, "A touch of beauty to sustain you until we meet tonight. Yours eternally, L." Her knees suddenly went weak, and she sank into the raw-silk couch. Could it be that Heather and Kim had arranged for a date with . . . ? Her head swam at the possibilities. It was almost more than she could manage to answer the knock at her door. It was a lady's maid, come to unpack her things for her. Bonnie followed her into the bedroom and gasped when she opened the closet to hang up her clothes. They were already stuffed to overflowing with gorgeous evening wear, daywear and lingerie from every famous designer. The maid held out a strapless red organza dress by Valentino. "Oh la la, Mademoiselle. This would look magnifique with your red hair, non?" Bonnie hesitated. "I don't know, are you sure it wouldn't clash? I don't usually wear red." "Mais, non, Mademoiselle. I happen to know that the gentleman with whom you are dining tonight would like you very much in this dress." 'And out of it?' Bonnie wondered. She developed a sudden, inexplicable appetite for tiramisu. "Would you like me to draw your bath for you, Mademoiselle? Once you have finished bathing, I will set your hair and do your makeup and nails, if you wish." Bonnie sighed inwardly, thinking she could get used to this life of luxury, should anyone want to force it upon her. "Yes," she said. "That is an excellent idea . . . I'm sorry, what is your name?" The maid curtseyed. "Janette, Mademoiselle." "Of course. Yes, Janette, please do so." ********************** "On the road again! Just can't wait to get on the road again! The life I love is making music with my friends . . . " Kim held her head in her hands and groaned. For two hours, Heather had been singing non-stop, and the aggravation was driving her insane, not to mention the nausea that had ensued. She rolled down the window and stuck her head out. It was bad enough she was taking Nick's beloved car on a cross-continental road trip, she wasn't about to hurl in it. In spite of herself, she laughed imagining Nick's reaction at smelling the evidence of her stomach infirmity. Whenever she got around to bringing his car back, that is. "That's more like it," Heather said. "I haven't seen you smile since we got Nunkies loaded up. Come on, let's sing together." She held her head back, her hair blown by the wind sailing over the dropped top of the Cadillac. "Aaaoooooooooooo! Werewolves of London! Aaaoooooooooooo-oo!" She stopped as a thump emanated from the trunk. "Uh oh," she said. "I think Nunkies is getting a little restless. Do you think we ought to feed him?" "With what?!" Kim cried, instinctively clasping her hands around her neck. "Oh, don't be such a baby! I'm sure there's some cows around here somewhere." She looked around at the darkened fields that whizzed by. She suddenly slammed on the brakes, sending the two of them flying into the dashboard, and producing a loud thump and a growl from the trunk. "There's one!" Heather yelled, pointing to her right. Kim looked and saw a placid cow standing alone in a field, quietly chewing cud and staring at the two kidnappers, er, delivery-service personnel. She turned to Heather in shock. "I'm not going to kill a cow!" "We don't have to kill it," Heather replied. "We'll just . . . siphon a little off." "Ewww!" "Okay, so we'll let Nunkies do it." "And how do we do that? Open the trunk, say, 'Excuse me, Uncle, we're just going to let you out so you can stoke up on some moo juice. Please don't kill us or try to escape.'" "Oh," Heather replied. "I hadn't thought of that." "Better we just keep going. After all, it's only two more hours till North Carolina." "What are you talking about? We're still in Michigan." Kim turned to her driving companion in amazement. "You mean you haven't been using the fanfic fairies?" Heather slapped the butt of her hand against her forehead. "I completely forgot! Don't worry, partner. I'll get us back on track." With another thunk from the trunk, Heather accelerated, getting back up to 75 in seven seconds. The fanfic fairies cleared all the traffic from their path, and sprinkled anti- misdemeanor dust over the eyes of all the cops lying in wait with radar guns. Silently, our intrepid heroines sped on through the night. Well, silent except for Heather's singing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" Part 4/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett It must have been the long plane trip that wore her out. She climbed into the deep, sunken Roman bathtub, up to her neck in bubbles, and promptly fell asleep. She dreamed she was a Vestal virgin in ancient Rome, tending the sacred fires as she fantasized about a handsome general she had seen in the street one day. His name was rumored to be Lucius, and people everywhere spoke highly of him especially the women. One day, as she'd been watching the military parade, craning her neck to catch sight of the noble warrior, she had suddenly found herself face to face with him. He stood directly in front of her, and his presence caused her to unexpectedly lose her footing, even though she was standing still on level ground. She fell gracefully into his strong, muscular arms, which picked her up as if she weighed no more than a sigh. His arctic blue eyes burned into her as he whispered, "You look cold, my dear. Let me warm you." Bonnie sighed, then realized she was still in the bath, which had now turned cool. She opened her eyes to see Nunkies sitting on the edge of the tub, gazing at her intently. "You look cold, my dear," he murmured. "Let me warm you." He held out a thick, fluffy towel which had been heating on the rack over the bathtub, averting his eyes as she stepped into it. He wrapped the towel and his arms around her, then leaned down to whisper in her ear. "I'll be waiting outside for you. Don't be too long -- I've planned a very special evening for us." As soon as he exited, Janette entered, and quickly got Bonnie ready for her evening with the famous Nightcrawler. Through the door, Bons could hear the sound of seductive jazz playing on the stereo. More than twice, Janette had to pull the birthday girl off the door, to which she seemed to be drawn like a magnet, and Janette's duties as a lady's maid apparently included mopping drool off the marble tile. At last, Bonnie emerged from her toilette. Nunkies took her hands in his and held them aloft as he surveyed her from head to toe. "Yes," he whispered seductively. "That red dress becomes you, my dear." Pulling her into his arms, he leaned close until his lips were mere centimeters from hers. "Are you hungry yet?" Bonnie nodded, her eyes glazed. "Uh huh," she said weakly. He wrapped her arm in his and led her to the door. "Then we'd better hurry. I know how . . . vexing an unsated appetite can be." ********************** Somewhere in Ohio . . . "Are we there yet?" Kim whined. Heather sighed deeply. "No. We're not there yet." ********************** Meanwhile, back in Toronto . . . Another plush limousine, this one coal-black, floated them to the Jeweled Peach. The maitre d' bowed deeply at Lacroix, then quickly escorted them to their private room upstairs. "Room?" thought Bonnie. "More like apartment." She looked round in wonder at the invitingly deep couches and chaise longues, all wide enough for two, that were scattered about the room, along with plush, soft pillows covered in silk shantung. At the far end of the room, beside a wall of glass overlooking downtown Toronto, stood their dining table, an intimate little thing just big enough for two people to put their elbows on, and over which to gaze into each other's eyes. He escorted her to her seat, kissing her softly on the ear before he walked to his own chair. Looking at her across the candlelit table, he said softly, "I realize that I have forgotten to tell you something terribly important." "What?" "You look . . . ravishing," he finished, his eyebrow quirking at the innuendo. "Good enough to eat." Bonnie sighed as the room began spinning around her. "Thank you, Mr. Lacroix." He took her hand in his, his forehead furrowing in concern. "Please, Bonnie. Call me Lucien. I feel it is so important to be on a first-name basis with someone with whom one is . . . intimate. And we are intime, n'est ce pas, ma cherie?" "Oh mais, oui, mon cher," Bonnie whispered. "Sans doute." *************** Deep in the heart of (no, not Texas) Kentucky . . . "Are we there --" "That's it," Heather exclaimed, pulling off the road. She got out of the car, slamming the door behind her, and walked over to Kim's side. Opening the door, she ordered, "It's your turn. You drive the rest of the way to North Carolina." As Kim scooted obediently over behind the wheel, a tremendous pounding was heard from the trunk. Already irritable from Kim's constant complaining, Heather wheeled around and smacked the lid of the trunk. "If you don't stop that, you're going to dent Nick's car!" she yelled. The trunk was still. Deathly still. "That's better," Heather harrumphed, then climbed into the passenger seat. She looked at Kim impatiently. "Okay, what are you waiting for? Let's go!" Kim ground the gears, producing a horrible groan from the back of the Caddy, and they raced off into the mountains of Southern Appalachia. ************************************************************************ UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" Part 5/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett They (or really, Bons) dined on lobster and champagne in their private room at the Jeweled Peach. Before they were even through the appetizer course, Lacroix had pulled his seat around to sit as close as possible to his dinner . . . companion. He took her fork from her after the waiter brought her food, and fed her himself, lightly dipping each succulent morsel of lobster into the delicate bechamel sauce before placing it into her waiting mouth. He also tried to hold her champagne glass for her as she drank, which caused her to dribble a little down the side of her mouth. Lucien took his finger and wiped her chin, then licked the dry and excellent vintage off, his blue eyes burning with passion. Leaning even closer to her, he nibbled briefly on her ear. She suddenly felt his cool lips caressing her jugular vein. "What are you doing?" she whispered breathlessly. "Well, you've had *your* supper . . . " "But what about the ABBA concert?" He leaned back, and Bonnie was gratified to see disappointment etched on his face. "Ah, yes. Your concert." "After all, Heather and Kim did go to a lot of trouble, and I imagine, expense to get the original band members here." He took his glass of champagne and drank, an ironic look upon his patrician features. "Yes, they have gone to a lot of trouble, but I'm afraid it was all for naught. And *I* am the one who arranged this concert -- in fact, I have arranged everything." "You?" She leaned close to him, her cheeks flushed. "But how? Why?" "How? Well, I learned a long time ago that it is much easier to keep an eye on one's children when one has their phones bugged. I heard your fellow . . . addicts, do you call them? -- planning a little escapade with me in celebration of your birthday. Naturally, I preferred to handle matters myself. And why? You *are* one of my most devoted scribes, after all. Such loyal service demands . . . recompense, my dear." Recompense, Bonnie thought. Recompense. She swayed dizzily, and Nunkies caught her before she fell headlong into his lap. Lifting her up again, he asked, "I thought you wanted to listen to the concert first?" He carried her to one of the couches, though she looked rather pointedly at a chaise longue, and settled them in for the show. Anna, Benny, Bjorn and Agnethe quickly set up and performed their entire catalogue of greatest hits. (Due to the delicate stomach of the author, a detailed account of this concert will be omitted.) After the performance, Lucien had some of his vampire employees help take down the sound equipment, so that the band was gone in a matter of seconds after the last chord was played. Nunkies clapped loudly twice, and the lights went out, leaving the room bathed in candlelight. "Now, my pet," he murmured silkily into her ear. "I think you wanted to try out some of the other furniture, n'est ce pas?" **************** At Bonnie's home, at last . . . Kim pulled wearily into the driveway and shut off the engine. She was relieved to discover that the low rattling sound she had been hearing for the past 50 miles was actually Heather's snores. She nudged her felonious cohort. "Wake up. We're here." "Huh?" "Bonnie's house. We're here." Heather looked around groggily. "Let's just camp out here awhile and get some sleep. I'll take the back seat, 'kay?" She started to climb over the seatback when Kim grabbed her jacket and yanked her back. "There's not enough time. It's four o'clock already -- it'll be dawn soon. We gotta get Nunkies inside." "How? I'm sure Bonnie's got the door locked." Heather sank back down in the seat, lowering her head to the door window. Kim thought about the problem a minute, then nudged her partner back awake. "The fanfic fairies will have left a key under the front doormat. Come on." The two trudged to the back of the car, and Kim cautiously opened the trunk a crack. Heather leaned down and yelled, "You'd better stay in that sack. The sun's just coming up. We'll get you inside, but you've got to keep still." She paused a few seconds, waiting for a response. "Can you hear me?!" A growl emanated from the bag, but Nunkies didn't appear willing to try and escape from them. They opened the lid wide and hauled him out, half carrying, half dragging him to the front door. Unfortunately, they were a little uncoordinated with all that extra weight, and ended up dragging him through a blackberry patch, several rosebushes and a large amount of poison ivy, not to mention bumping him over several rather large-ish stones. With one last spurt of energy, they threw him inside and shut the door behind them. "Geez," said Heather. "You'd think with all that noise we made, Bons would be awake by now. Bons? Bons!" Kim walked through the empty house, returning with a note she'd found on the refrigerator. "Oh, no!" "What is it?" Heather sympathetically asked. Kim sank onto the La-Z-Boy, the whole story becoming dreadfully clear to her. She held out the note to Heather. "Bons wrote this for Brian, to tell him she was going to Toronto for a week, on a trip that *we* supposedly gave her." "Wait a minute, that wasn't part of the plan. What does this mean?" "You know who was behind this, don't you?" Heather shook her head. "It had to be Nunkies," Kim whispered. "He's been onto us from the beginning." "It couldn't be," Heather said. "If it was Nunkies, why would he let himself be kidnaped . . ." They both looked in horror at the still Hefty Bag (tm) lying in the foyer. Kim bravely pulled open the sturdy yellow handles and looked inside. She felt suddenly faint from the anger directed at her from a pair of 800-year-old eyes. "Hi, Shmoopie," she faltered. "Imagine seeing you here." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" part 6/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett Meanwhile, back in Toronto . . . After giving the furniture in the Jeweled Peach a thorough workout, Nunkies escorted Bonnie home to her hotel room. Unfortunately, it was almost dawn, so he had to bid her farewell at her door. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it delicately before grabbing her roughly around the waist and pulling her close. "I've never known a woman quite like you, my dear, in all my 2,000 years. Such fire, such energy, such . . . stamina," he said huskily, his voice rough like the tongue of a kitten. "It's the red hair," Bons answered, weak from their nocturnal activities and some minor loss of plasma. Nunkies lifted his eyebrow in amusement, then murmured, "It is past your bedtime, my dear, and close to mine. Adieu, ma ange, jusqu'en ce soir. I will pick you up just after sundown. Would you like to visit The Raven before proceeding to my townhouse, ma cherie?" Bons wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss, her boyfriend -- what's his name? -- completely forgotten. "Mais, oui, mon amour. C'est parfait." He kissed her passionately, then hurried away, sensing the sun's eminent arrival. Bonnie closed the door with a sigh and leaned against it, sinking down to the ground in a mixture of exhaustion and ecstasy. It was only after several minutes like this that it occurred to her to wonder about something Nunkies had said earlier in the evening. Heather and Kim had been planning some sort of "escapade" with Nunkies for her birthday, so where were they? She knew Kim, that shameless vampire slut, had been shacking up with Nick ever since bouncing the gang from the slammer, so she pulled out her fanfic address book and quickly found the noble detective's phone number. She dialed and let it ring 20 times, but there was no answer. Vaguely worried, she ambled off to bed. Surely Nick the Brick wouldn't let those two miscreants get into any serious trouble, she thought. Nah, she concluded, they were probably in some pub, drinking and partying with their fellow Celts. And for a Celt, that wasn't trouble. She smiled with relief and drifted off to Nunkies Dreamland, certain that all was right with the world. ********************* That evening, at an undisclosed location somewhere in middle America . . "Nick, I don't see what you're so upset about," Kim said from the floor of the back seat. Nick had cuffed her and placed her there, wrapped in a blanket, before leaving Bonnie's house after sundown. Heather, he had stowed in the trunk, promising both that they would change places halfway back to Toronto. "So you went on a little road trip," Kim continued. "Is that so bad? You've been saying how you felt like you were in a rut in Toronto, and you needed a vacation, and you know how badly that little computer game fiasco turned out. Think of this as therapy." "Shock therapy?" Nick snarled. "Let me remind you once again, counselor, that you are under arrest, and anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law." "Arrest? For what? What did we do that was so wrong?" He half turned and looked over the seat at her, righteous indignation gracing his golden features. "Let me list them for you. You assaulted an officer -- felony. You kidnaped me -- felony. You held me against my will, which is false imprisonment -- another felony." "Now wait right there." She tried to struggle upwards, but fell back, knocking her head against the side of the door. "False imprisonment is a lesser included offense of kidnaping. You can't stack those charges on me!' "Oh, yeah? Just try me! You're going to jail for a long, long time. I won't play the sap for you, sister." "All right. So you wanna play tough, do you? Okay, I can throw the rule book out too. How do you think the judge, the court reporter, the jurors, the attorneys and all the spectators in the courtroom at my trial are going to respond when I explain for them just why you had to wait until nightfall to bring me back. And once that can of worms is open, oho, I'm spilling everything Nick. All your little vampire secrets -- the Raven, Lacroix, the whole community will be exposed. And think of your reputation within that community, Nick. How are you going to explain to all of them that you were overpowered and abducted by a couple of mortal women? Oh, my," she clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "I can just imagine their reaction to that little tidbit." She settled back in the floor confidently, letting Nick mull over everything she had said. She knew he'd never be able to go through with it, and she was right. He pulled off the road and braked to a halt. Hanging his head in defeat, he said, "All right. I won't press charges." "And you'll let me and Heather out of these cuffs." "No. You're both staying right where you are." "I can still spill my guts to your friends at The Raven," she said thoughtfully. "Rrrrrrrr. All right!" he snarled. Soon Heather and Kim were freed from their bonds -- and Heather from the trunk -- and sitting comfortably in the back seat of the Caddy. At Kim's question, Heather said the trunk was surprisingly comfortable -- all that room, she explained. They settled in for the drive back to Canada, Heather teaching Kim the words to every Scottish song she knew. Poor Nickie suffered in silence. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- UPS or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonzanza" part 7a/9 Bonnie sighed as she tossed and turned in bed. After the events of the last few hours, it would be nearly impossible for her to go to sleep. Bons closed her eyes again, to help relive her evening of bliss. "Mmmmmm," she murmured to herself, imaging the feel of Lucien's strong arms encircling her waist, his soft lips traveling in arc down her neck. Bons had swooned slightly in his arms and she watched LaCroix's eyes become golden-hued through half-closed eyelids. Then that sweet, exquisite pain as he whispered her name. Bonnie smiled to herself. She began to drift off to a state of Nunkies daydreams once again. *********************************************** A Vestal Virgin stood guard at Vesta's sacred fire. However, Felidia's mind was not on the tasks at hand. She nearly collapsed when she felt herself becoming enveloped in a powerful set of arms. "Felidia," whispered Lucius, "I had to see you again." Bonnie sighed and turned over to her side. She began think about what to do the next few hours she would be apart from him. She had become so immersed in her daydreams that she did not hear the rustling of curtains. Bons was shocked to find herself being picked up, but did not protest. By now she recognized these arms that held her so gently. "Ma Petite," purred Lucien, "I could not sleep either. I had to see you again." He returned her gently to the bed and commenced rubbing her neck. Bons smiled as Lucien continued down her back. *********************************************** (Somewhere in the back roads of some middle American State) Kim had finally fallen asleep in the back seat of the caddie. She was exhausted and the Fanfic fairies magical caffeine drink had worn off. Heather began to climb up to the front seat. "Hey watch it!" Nick watched as Heather climbed across his precious caddie. She jumped over to the front as if she were dodging defensive backs at a football game. Heather giggled at Nick's discomfiture. "Sorry, Nick," she said with a smile. Nick continued watching her warily. "Kim talks about you quite a bit," grumbled Nick. "I have to admit I thought she was exaggerating, but if you were the one who came up with that immortal potion, you really are nuts." "You're just jealous," said Heather, "because it worked, and I know you'd love to be able to use it on the enforcers or other immortals," she continued with a wicked smile Nick allowed himself a small smile. "Can't you at least tell me some of the secret ingredients?" he asked. "Nope, it's a MacIntyre secret." Nick grimaced, knowing about strange clan loyalties of Scots and became silent once more. Heather began singing once again, "I've been the wild rover for mony a year, and I've spent all my money on whiskey and beer." "No, nay, never," groused Nick. "Not 'Wild Rover' again. "Okay, then another song," sang out Heather cheerfully. "Here's one I haven't taught Kim yet." "10,000 Roman soldiers, to the hielands came naught. They had conquered millions from the Tyber to Forth," "At least I haven't heard this one in a long time," thought Nick to himself. Before he thought better of it, he joined Heather on the refrain and they finished the song together. Heather looked pleased. "I knew it! You *are* a secret Scot!" "Am not!" said Nick with a growl. Heather wisely decided to not push her luck. "Well at least you are an admirer of the Scots," she said. "Uh yeah," said Nick, wondering where this was leading. "You know," said Heather, with a teasing lilt to her voice. "I bet Kim would love to see you in a kilt." ************************************ UPS or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonzanza" part 7b/9 (note to Kim, I'm *not* after your Nickie-poo) ************************************ Nick glanced back to Kim's sleeping (and quietly snoring) figure in the back seat. "Why should I do anything for Kim, after what she did, after what you two did to me?" "Oh, Nickie, you know how Kim really feels about you," said Heather. "Besides that I know some great kilt makers who'd be willing to make me a good deal for you." "No thanks," said Nick. However, off in Brickland, an idea began to form in his mind. Heather had become oddly quiet, knowing that a series of lights and traps were going off in Nick's mind. "So, Heather," he began. "Aye, laddie?" "If I join the Clan MacIntyre, do I get to learn all the secrets of the clan?" "Sure," said Heather. "but is there any connection between the de Brabants and the MacIntyres?" Nick frowned, trying to think of an answer. Heather continued watching him intently. "Okay," said Nick. "We traded and made treaties with them and the other clans on the Isle of Skye. Doesn't that count as a connection?" "Well, I'll have to see," said Heather. "But I'll put in a good word for you." She didn't mention that she'd never let him find out about Immortal potion. She had found in within her great-great-grandmother's personal belongings, and she had only shared the recipe with a few other members of her clan. Besides that, it could get her in big trouble. However, Heather smiled back genuinely at Nick. Nick glanced back at Kim and then at Heather again. "Okay," he said. "Call your friends and order a kilt for me." Heather picked up Kim's phone and called the Flower of Scotland Tartan Shop, who were now used to her late night orders. After ordering the tartan, she ordered two sets of everything a proper Scotsman would need, the hose, flashings, belts and sporrans. After speaking with Colleen, she called up a few more friends as her plan started to take shape. She hung up the phone about an hour later, with a satisfied smile on her face. "Done and done," she said. Nick finally smiled back. "You know," he said, "you can be really sweet when you want." He gently pushed aside a lock of Heather's honey-colored hair. "I know," said Heather, with a laugh, "it's a fault I really must continue working on." "By the way," said Nick, "How come so much fabric? Isn't 18 yards enough for two kilts?" "Uhm, well I'm sending the extra material to my boyfriend," said Heather, trying to appear trustworthy. "Somehow, I just don't believe you, Heather," said Nick. "But still, ordering a kilt and all the accompaniments for me, almost makes up for this whole fiasco. Heather smiled secretively as she slipped Nick's platinum card back into his wallet as he continued driving. "It was so shamefully easy. Maybe he won't notice the $12,000 in charges, then again...," she thought to herself. "It's almost dawn," she said. "Do you want me to start driving." "No thanks," said Nick. He ran his fingers through his hair, remembering all the bumps he had suffered through earlier. ************************************************ UPS, or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" part 8/9 by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett "Mmmm, that feels good," Bonnie murmured sleepily. Lacroix's silken hands massaged her back and shoulders, and his cool breath tickled her skin as he leaned close to her. Suddenly, he slapped her backside. "Hey!" She looked over her shoulder at his smirking face. "What was that for?" "To wake you up. I have great plans for us tonight." He lay down next to her, and she rubbed her hand back and forth over his buzzcut as his head rested on the pillow. "What kind of plans?" she asked. His arctic blue eyes twinkled with mischief as he gazed at her. "Oh, I thought we could have your birthday dinner at the Jeweled Peach, then off to the studio to do my show =97 you *do* want to sit in and provide me with inspiration, don't you?" She almost swooned with excitement. Perhaps he would call her his precious flower! At her excited nod, he continued. "Then I thought we'd drop in on some friends." "Some friends? Who?" He smiled mysteriously. "You'll see. But it's time for you to get ready now." He arched his eyebrow with delicious finesse. "Would you like some help scrubbing your back . . . and other things?" Her eyes glazed over, so he picked her up in his arms and carried her to the shower, where he introduced her to the mystical delights of the Water Pik. They had just stepped out and Bonnie was drying him off when the phone rang. Lucien wrapped the towel around his waist, and picked the phone up on the second ring. "Hello? Yes. Everything is set? Decorations, music? Excellent," he said with satisfaction. "One a.m. No, don't even drop a hint. I want it to be a surprise." He chuckled evilly. "I've a recipe I'd like to try out . . . a very special recipe." Bonnie's expression was curious as he settled the receiver gently back into the cradle and turned to her. "What was that all about?" she asked. "Circles within circles, ma coeur." "Ohhhhh," she sighed, draping herself in his outstretched arms. "I just lo-o-ove it when you speak French to me." "Bien sur, ma petite chou. Ce soir etait faire pour les amants." "Nunkies!" she cried. "Parlez! Parlez! Dites-moi tout le monde!" (It is at this point that the author, suffering from an excess of modesty and a complete -- not to mention obvious -- shortage of any more French expressions, must leave the remainder of this tender scene to the reader's imagination.) ****************** Much later, at The Jeweled Peach . . . Lucien pushed a plate of untouched tiramisu in front of Bonnie's quite pale form. "You must eat, ma cherie, to keep up your strength. We have a long and exciting night in front of us. Here," he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a prescription bottle. "Take some Chromagen. It's an iron pill." "What's that for?" she asked groggily, daintily pressing her napkin to her neck. "Er, I believe it is commonly prescribed for anemia. At least, so I'm told." "How do you know that?" Bonnie asked. "Oh, many of my . . . close friends take it," he answered casually. She dutifully swallowed a couple of the vitamins and perked up within seconds. She finished off the tiramisu as he gazed at her lovingly with his hypnotic blue eyes. He so loved a woman with a ravenous appetite. She put down her fork at last with a happy sigh. "So tell me." She leaned across the table, her appetite for food sated, and placed her hand over his. "What mysterious plans do you have for us tonight?" "All will become clear." He stood and held out his hand. "Come. It's time for the Nightcrawler to welcome his children into the night." ******************** "Tonight, my students, we reflect upon the futility of foresight. That most honored of all mortal visions. Those whose span of life is so brief are never content, are they, with what little they hold in their hands? They must constantly look forward, planning what will happen tomorrow, next week, next year, the next decade. Planning, planning, planning, while all the while life rushes by them like a breeze. "In spite of oneself, one cannot help but pity them. There are only two times that past and future cease to exist for mortals, and they stand in one spot and see time in all its brevity at the world's new year and at their own. They stop, they look around, and do you know, children, I think the vision frightens them. So they put on funny hats, make noise, light candles and blow them out; some, I am given to understand, even drink themselves into a stupor. "Imagine that. "If only they stood still at that moment, and did not turn away. They would realize how short their time is, how precious it is, and they would savor every second." He paused briefly, and looked at Bonnie. "If I were ever to wish any mortal a 'happy birthday' it would be this wish that every day would be a happy birth day, to be enjoyed with no thought of what could, should or would be tomorrow. "This lesson was emphasized to me recently in an extraordinary series of events. There were two women. Let's call them oh, I don't know Heather and Kim. They decided they wanted to wish a friend a happy birthday, and began making elaborate plans for this event. They planned for weeks, dug up an old family recipe for a special "brew," traveled across the continent and back, and committed, I am given to understand, several felonies both here and in the States. They did this for a friend, you see. I know it sounds strange, but they actually do this sort of thing, amongst their own. "To achieve their ends, they put both of their lives, as well as liberty, at great personal risk, and their plan was a complete disaster. From the very beginning, everything went wrong. Which leads me to the moral of my little tale, children. If you are foolish enough to make plans, you must always consider that someone more powerful than you may control the outcome. Whether it be a birthday celebration, a wedding, a career, a war, or even something as simple as a loud, drunken party with men in skirts . . remember that 'The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men,/ Gang aft agley.' "This is the Nightcrawler." Lacroix smiled. "Seize the day, my children . . . and drain it." *********************************************************************** Here's part 9a/9... UPS or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonanza" (At CERK) Lucien turned in his chair to face Bonnie after he had completed his broadcast. Bonnie had been wiping her chin continually throughout the show. "Well, ma Coeur, what did you think?" "I'm still at a loss," admitted Bonnie. No matter how much time she'd spend with Lucien, his voice would still make her go weak in the knees. Bonnie became flushed with pleasure as he wrapped his arms about her. "I'm sure you're still curious about my little surprise for you tonight," he murmured to Bons. He began thinking of his little plan and smiled to himself. Bons grinned. ************************************************* (A few hours earlier) Kim finally reached the outskirts of Toronto. Nick woke up at the first traffic light. "What's that strange rattling noise?" he mumbled. Kim smiled and merely pointed to the back seat where Heather was peacefully snoring. "Don't you dare wake her," she warned Nick. "I wasn't planning on that," said Nick as he wrapped one of his arms around Kim. "I guess this means you've forgiven me," stated Kim with a smile. "Of course," said Nick as he gently kissed her cheek. "Did I tell you Heather ordered a kilt for me? To make up for all the pain I went through in the last few days." "How sweet of her," said Kim, warily, wondering what could have made Heather do such a thing. Heather smiled to herself in the back seat of the Caddy, thinking of her nefarious plan. This one *had* to work. *********************************************** (at Vachon's church) Vachon stared blankly at the packages laid out before him. "Who did you say this was from?" he asked the Kwik-E-Delivery man. "It didn't say," murmured Arnold, wondering how he got himself into these fixes. He had delivered some packages like this about a month ago and he still had nightmares about it. "Here's the letter that came with it though," continued Arnold as he began heading for the door. Vachon sighed and opened the letter. The inside of the letter read… ******************************************************* You are invited to a special party tonight at the Raven. Featuring BROTHER ™ and The Chieftains ™. Enclosed in the packages is a gift for you ********FREE DRINKS*********** **************************************************** The last line made it all worthwhile. With a grin, he began opening the packages. He lifted up a great kilt from the first package. The note inside of the package stated that it was the national Spanish tartan. *************************************************** (Back in the Caddy) The car pulled up to the entrance of the Raven. "It looks like it's closed," noted Nick. "I'm sure the magic Fanfic fairies or Janette left us a key," said Kim, as she nudged Heather awake. Nick, Heather and Kim stepped out of the Caddie and began looking under the front mat. "Here it is," said Nick, holding a brass-colored key. He slipped it into the keyhole and the door opened. "WooHoo," said Heather. "It looks great!" Tartans decorated the walls and Heather could see several large barrels of mead, wine and ale set up. It's just like I imagined it would look," she continued. She was pleased to see that some of her plans were finally working out. Heather grabbed three packages and handed them to Nick. "I hope you don't mind the ancient set," she said with a grin. "Ancient set of what?" asked Nick. "The Ancient MacIntyre tartan, you silly lad," said Heather. She then tossed a bag to Kim. "What's this?" asked Kim. Heather sighed impatiently, "Your costume," she said. "But I do believe Nick will need your help first." Kim dashed off behind Nick with a wicked grin on her face. Heather turned around and smiled as the two bands walked inside the bar. She waved them over to where their instruments had been set up. "The party will start up in about an hour," she said. Help yourself to the drinks," said Heather. The musicians cheered and began helping themselves to the ale. Clutching her packages, Heather ran off to the lady's room to find the buff slave boys who would help her into her bodice. ***************************************************** UPS or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonzanza 9b/9 By Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett with a lot of help from our own addicted Ratpacker, Libby on this one! ***************************************************** (Vachon's Church) Screed wandered into the front alcove of Vachon's home. "'Ey V-Man!" he called out. "Vachonette!" His voice echoed through the empty church. Screed shrugged, continued walking and whistling 'Miss Mousie Went A' Courtin', to himself. Vachon, being well versed in the art of being a slacker had not cleaned up after himself. Screed shook his head at the site of all the boxes. "Looky 'ere. Tsk. Guess 'e wouldn't be missin' 'em if I took a few to me 'umble abode. Never know when I'll be needin' ta send out a few squeakers o' shiny thingees fer b'days gifts, aye?!?." The invitation fell out of the packages as Screed hefted up the boxes and he picked up the card. "Well, well, well. Wot 'ave we 'ere?" he asked himself as he read over the card, managing not to move his lips as he made out the long words. "Screed, me man, looks like ya've been shafted again, ay?" Screed still had a bit of trouble reading the card, but he was improving with the help of a certain Ratpacker, who happened to be a Nunkies addict as well. However, he could read the last line with no trouble whatsoever. Free Drinks! He began looking at the boxes and noticed a picture of a man in kilt. "I'll be a cabin boy in a skirt," chuckled Screed to himself, "'Ow long 'as it been since ya went to a proper Ceilidh? Ratsies get right fat an' juicy nibblin' on haggis!" Screed began skipping home to find his kilt. ************************************* (back at the Raven) Kim walked grumpily to the ladies' room. She opened the door and sat down on the chaise as Heather continued pulling up her hair. "Why, Kim, whatever is the matter?" asked Heather, looking Kim up and down. Kim was resplendent in a dark green dress. "It's Nick!" complained Kim. "I thought it would be so much fun getting him in a kilt, but he refuses to come out unless all his pleats are straight! I've been tucking and pulling for the last 45 minutes!" Heather couldn't help chortling. It was a situation she had dealt with many times. Kim just looked angrier. "Well pull him out, tell him the pleats are going to get messed up and anyway and uhm," Heather tied her sash to her shoulder. "I don't know. Say what you usually do when he's being brick-headed." Kim sighed and began to walk back to the other room as the front door opened. Vachon sauntered into the Raven. The sight of a man in kilt was enough to throw Heather off and she did not notice Nunkies and Bonnie slip in Behind him. Kim was too busy dealing with Nick to notice Nunkies and Bonnie slip into one of the back offices. "Well, well, well," Vachon said as he walked up to Heather. "I should have known you and Kim would have been at the bottom of this." Heather grinned at looked pointedly in Kim's direction. "I give up!" yelled Kim. "You're going out there, NOW!" "Well this was mostly Kim's idea. I just helped with the party. Hey, it was the only part of our plan that worked!" Vachon started laughing, "Don't begin patting yourself on the back," he said. "You look nice, by the way." "And you look quite delicious," said Heather, blushing. A man in kilt always made her a bit breathless. "So what events are going to go on tonight?" asked Vachon with a wicked smile. "Oh, we have something special planned," said Kim, as she walked toward them, hanging on Nick's arm. Nick and Vachon began to look each other up and down. "Your pleats are crooked," said Nick, with a smirk. Vachon merely shook his head. "Well, you wouldn't have so much pleat trouble if you were regimental," said Vachon, grinning as Nick looked shocked. "But whatever it is, count me out," said Vachon. "I'm just here for the free drinks and music." "That goes double for me," said Nick. "I don't want to mess up my pleats." Nick and Vachon began walking over to the bar. "Argh!" griped Heather. "How can Bonnie judge our dance contest, if we don't have any contestants!" "Au contaire, my dear," began a voice behind Kim and Heather, "There will be several contestants." "Nunkies! You can fix it?" asked Kim. "Of course," said Lacroix. "You'll note that both Nicholas and Vachon are getting their drinks from the bar." "Yes," said Heather. "I'll leave it to your very fertile imaginations to discover what is lacing their drinks," said Lacroix with a smile. Kim and Heather looked at each and smiled. "Now, I'm going to help Bonnie get dressed," said Lacroix as he began walking to the back room. "Heather, there is a phone call for you in the back office. Allow me to show you the way." Nunkies took Heather's arm and began to lead her to the office. "Uh, this isn't a trap is it?" asked Heather, nervously. She still couldn't help drooling a bit at his nearness. "Why of course not," Lacroix pretended to look shocked. He offered her the phone and walked out. "Oh man, I hope he won't kick me out of the apartment in Houston," mumbled Heather to herself. "Hello?" she asked. "Oh hi, sweetie," she continued, "recognizing Chris's voice." "Uhm, Heather, I've got some *bad* news for you," said Chris. "Okay," said Heather, "how bad can it be?" "Oh, it's bad. Brother™ and The Chieftains ™ left messages for you. They can't make it." "But they're here now!" insisted Heather. "They said that they forgot about another job," said Chris. "Hmmmmm," said Heather. "Well, sweetie, I gotta go. The Ceilidh is going to start soon, and I gotta figure this out. I wish you were here." "No you don't," said Chris with a laugh. "but I love ya anyway. Knighty knight." Heather hung up the phone. "I guess I'm batting zero," she said. "Nunkies has beaten me to it again." ************************************************************************ UPS (9c/9) or "Bonnie's Birthday Bonzanza" by Kim Colley and Heather Poinsett Libby and several other addicts began wandering into the Raven, and took their seats next to the stage. The Raven became crowded as more guests walked into the club in various forms of highland dress. Kim and Heather began looking around for the guest of honor so that the Ceilidh could officially begin. "Where is Bonnie?" grumbled Heather. She and Kim raised their heads and they heard a distinct set of giggles coming from one of the back rooms. "Don't look at me. I'm not going to interrupt them," said Kim with a smile. "The natives are getting restless though," noted Heather, hearing the effects of the ale on the addicts and their friends. "Well lets go ahead and get this started before a real ruckus starts," said Kim, wisely realizing that it was dangerous to leave Celts without an organized activity. She didn't relish the idea of having to redecorate The Raven. Kim ran off to fetch Nick and Vachon who were both still at the bar. Heather got on stage and whistled for everyone's attention. "Well it seems our Birthday Girl isn't quite ready yet," Heather grinned as she saw the curtains part and Bonnie walked out arm in arm with Nunkies. Bonnie had on a beautiful red dress, while Nunkies was in a toga. Bonnie smiled and blew kisses to the crowd as Nunkies pulled out a chair for her. Heather continued, "I guess it's time for myself, Kim and everyone else to say 'Happy Birthday' to Bonnie." Voices were raised and glasses were uplifted. "I wish I could make a grand toast in the tradition of the Celts. But on the other hand, I know everyone wants the music to start so I'll just say this. Bonnie, I hope this will be an unforgettable night. You've done so much for all of us here, our websites and the fantasies and many other things, too numerous to mention." Kim joined Heather on stage, "Happy Birthday, MacBons!" she said with a raised mug. Mugs were emptied and Bonnie stood and curtsied. Heather motioned to Bons to come closer to the microphone and she handed Bons several blue ribbons. "We're holding a dance contest and a bonniest knees contest tonight," said Kim. "Bonnie will be the honorable judge in both contests." Everyone cleared off the stage as Brother ™ took over. "We've had a request for The Clumsy Lover," said Hamish, as he raised his didgeridoo. Before he could finish his sentence Vachon and Nick raced to the front of the stage, with several other kilted dancers. Nick even tripped over one of the bagpipes in front of the stage. "Creiche!" he yelled. He then began giggling and swishing his kilt back and forth in front of Bonnie. "Hey no flashing the judge!" said Vachon, with a hiccup. He joined Nick in swaying back and forth in front of Bonnie. Nunkies began chortling as he watched his son. The band started playing, everyone started dancing. Bonnie was slightly disappointed Nunkies didn't join in. However, he had whispered to her earlier that his dance was to be a private one, in her hotel room." Nick and Vachon were trying to outdance each other when suddenly Screed ran out to the middle of the dancing area, successfully out-jigging all the other dancers. "Screed, what are you doing here?" hiccuped Vachon. "Found your invite to this party, V-man," said Screed. "I 'membered ha tasty squeakers was in Scotland." He whirled again once more to the delight of Libby and several of the other ladies in the front row. At the end of the song, everyone cheered for more. However, MacBons arose from her chair and walked over to the front microphone. "My mind's made up!" She pointed to Screed and he joined her on stage. Bons pinned the ribbon to Screed's shirt. Screed suprised Bonnie by giving her a big smooch. After the kiss Bonnie asked, "Screed, what is your dancing secret?" "Well, wot 'elps is to live a few centuries in Scotland," said Screed. "Wot 'elps more is to go regimental!" Libby squealed in delight and the next thing everyone heard was a thud as she landed on the floor. Screed ran to her side to give Libby some mouth-to-mouth. "See, I told you," grumbled Vachon to Nick. "Doesn't matter," said Nick in a half belch. "'Cause I'm gonna win bonniest knees. Vachon guffawed, "boniest knees, maybe," he said. The Chieftains ™ took Brother's ™ place on stage and began playing 'The Rocky Road to Dublin. A blindfold was wrapped around Bonnie's eyes and every kilted man passed by her. Well every kilted man plus one. LaCroix smiled as she leaned forward and began feeling his knee. Bons recognized his knee, began drooling and let her hands wander farther up his leg. "Hey watch it, MacBons," yelled Heather. "This is a PG-13 fantasy!" Bons giggled and the contest came to an abrupt end (as if she would select anyone else). "I suggest you give me the prize later," whispered Nunkies as he leaned to whisper in her ear. He removed her blindfold. ********************************************** For the next five hours the bands played, everyone got drunk, sang dirty little ditties and had a grand time. Kim clapped her compatriot on the shoulder. "Well it all worked out," she said to Heather. "Most definitely," said Heather, watching as Nunkies and Bons embraced. "I learned something from all this, didn't you?" "To borrow LaCroix's drink recipes?" asked Kim, as she appreciatively watched Nick and Vachon still dancing, kilts swaying. "Hey that's good, I didn't even think of that!" said Heather, "But actually I meant that we should spend less time planning things and more time enjoying life. None of our plans exactly worked out." "True," said Kim. She noticed that Fergus from Brother ™ and Martin Fay of the Chieftains ™ were handing little slips of paper to Nick. They looked like credit card receipts. Several other slips were handed to Nick. The next thing Kim heard was… "HEY! WHO CHARGED $50,000 ON MY CREDIT CARD!" Heather took off running and giggling. All Kim could see was a Nick-sized blur take off after Heather. ****************************************************************** The End!