Full Circle
By April French

The entrance was barred to him, but whether that barrier was of his own creation or something else's, Nick had no idea. He knew only that an evening Mass was taking place inside the Church of St. John, and that he could not go inside. But under the winter wind, he could hear the singing.

Stars were falling deep in the darkness
as prayers rose softly, petals at dawn

The words would have been indistinct to a mortal standing in the same place. But Nick could hear the words perfectly. Holy music was still music, as eternal as the oldest vampire, so rather than being painful, it was soothing to Nick's sensitive ears.

And as I listen, your voice seemed so clear
so calmly you were calling your god

He had not been so moved by music since his mortal days, when he was a soldier at Acre and Damietta, and had first encountered a faith other than his own.

Somewhere the sun rose o'er dunes in the desert
such was the stillness, I ne'er felt before

His fellow Crusaders had seemed unmoved by the wailing of the muezzins calling their enemies to prayer, but Nick had been struck by the profound, bone-deep sense of spirituality that had thrummed through him at the sound.

Was this the question, pulling, pulling, pulling you
in your heart, in your soul, did you find rest there?

"Detective Knight?" A voice pulled Nick from his memories. "Detective, are you all right?"

Nick turned. The young face and somehow mournful brown eyes of Father Rochefort watched him with concern.

"I'm sorry. Yes, Father. I'm fine."

Rochefort pulled his cassock more tightly around him, shivering as he brushed snow flakes from his dark hair.

Elsewhere a snowfall, the first of the winter
covered the ground as the bells filled the air

"Have you been standing out here long? You should have some inside; it's quite warm in the cathedral."

Nick smiled. "Still trying to get me to 'confess my sins'?"

"No, I'm trying to keep you from freezing to death. Why in the world didn't you come inside?"

You in your robes sang, calling, calling, calling him

"I was enjoying the music."

in your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?

"It was... very soothing." Rochefort continued to eye him with concern and confusion, but utterly lacking in the suspicion Nick had come to expect from priests. He didn't trust Father Rochefort... but he thought that if he ever had to confide in another mortal, this might be the one he would choose. "Thank you. For the music."

"You're always more than welcome to join the service, regardless of your faith."

"I was born a Catholic. Well, I was born Catholic in the same way a cow born into a tree is a bird. I haven't attended Mass since I was young. Very young..."

"God is always willing and ready to receive His children back into his family," Rochefort said simply. So simply. If he only knew...

Nick shook his head. "But I can't go back to Him. Not yet. I'm not ready. I don't think you could absolve me of my sins. And I don't think He could forgive me."

The priest was thoroughly alarmed, though he hid it well. What horrible burden could such a celebrated police officer have on his soul that he feared the anonymity of the confessional? "It is not the sin that condemns us, but our unwillingness to admit and confess our wrongdoings. Our reluctance to believe that we can be forgiven and admitted into God's kingdom." He touched Nick's sleeve. "Even you can have life everlasting."

Nick looked at the priest's hand, feeling a slight tingle from the point of contact. "That's the last thing I want," he said curtly, moving a step back. He could feel the Beast rising within him in reaction to what it perceived as a threat. Nick swallowed, trying to calm himself.

"Good night, Father Rochefort."

Surprised by the abrupt dismissal, Rochefort could not form a coherent response. Instead, he held out his hand, wondering if the detective would take it. As he had the night of their first meeting, Nick stared at the proffered hand warily before accepting it.

"Good night, detective." Then, as Nick was walking away, he added in a whisper, "And peace be with you."

Nick stopped dead in his tracks.

in your heart, in your soul, did you find peace there?

He sighed forlornly, and kept walking.

~Finis--August 28th, 2003~

"Full Circle," by Loreena McKennitt. Album: "The Mask and The Mirror."