October
By April French

December, 1993

I knew he was standing in the doorway, waiting for some sign that I would acknowledge him, but I kept my eyes trained on the flickering flames. I did not look at him. I could not. I did not trust my sight not to betray me. I slowly opened my mouth, and I was pleased to hear that my tone was steady, neutral. A highly inaccurate description of my state of mind...

"Why are you here, Nicholas?"

"I..." His voice failed him, but I was patient. "I've come to ask you... to... to forgive me."

Badly startled, I turned, expecting deception and searching for it. But his eyes--so like her eyes--his eyes told me everything.

I can't run anymore
I fall before you
Here I am
I have nothing left
Though I've tried to forget
You're all that I am
Take me home

He came and fell at the side of my bed, his blond head bowed. "I can't hide from it anymore."

"'It'?"

"From myself, from what I am. From what you made me. From you."

The emotion pouring from him through our bond was overwhelming to me in my weakened state.

I'm through fighting it
Broken
Lifeless
I give up

"I give up."

You're my only strength
Without you
I can't go on
Anymore
Ever again

"All these months since I... I tried to..." He could not or would not say it, but the wound over my heart was enough explanation for both of us. "Ever since you went away, LaCroix, I've been so lost. All the times I tried to walk away from you... but this time, when I thought I'd... killed... you..." He took my hand in his and pressed it to his forehead. The depth of the boy's despair was beyond tears.

"I was wrong," he said simply. "And I'm sorry."

Painful though it was, I sat up and pulled my prodigal son into an embrace.

"Do you understand now, foolish child?" I asked, my voice husky with emotion. "To let you go is to give up a part of myself, a vital part. I tell you that you cannot survive without me." He nodded against my chest, chafing my wound, but I ignored it. "I tell you now that the reverse is true: I cannot survive without ." I inhaled his scent of oranges and wood smoke, sumac and ginger. "By the gods, Nicholas, you are everything to me."

My only hope
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace
(To walk away from you)
My only joy
My only strength
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power
My only life
(And love is where I am)
My only love

"I never understood that," he murmured. "None of my fledglings ever meant so much to me."

I breathed against his loose blond curls, watching them quiver. "You never gave any of them the chance," I reminded him quietly. Reluctantly, he nodded again, and then twitched.

"You're bleeding," he realized, his eyes widening in horror.

"I'm not whole yet," I said, trying not to clench my teeth. The cold blood was seeping through the bandages around my torso and trickling down my front. "Call for someone," I ordered.

Nicholas shook his head. "No," and he began to gently unwind the long bandages.

I can't run anymore
I give myself to you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
In all my bitterness
I ignored
All that's real and true
All I need is you

I lay there quietly in the dim light, allowing Nicholas to tend to the burns and the great puncture that he had inflicted. There were salves and ointments and extra bandages on a bedside table, and these Nicholas used with skill... and a measure of tenderness.

When night falls on me
I'll not close my eyes
I'm too alive
And you're too strong
I can't lie anymore
I fall down before you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

By the time he had finished his ministrations, I had grown weary with pain and the fatigue brought on by my long convalescence. Nicholas saw this. He pulled the bedclothes up to my chin as though I was a five-year-old child. Then he dropped down to one knee, leaned forward, and kissed me on the forehead.

"I'll stay with you while you sleep," he promised. "And when you awake, I will be here."

Constantly ignoring
The pain consuming me
But this time it's cut too deep
I'll never stray again

That was in October. When I finally woke in truth, two months later, my caretakers assured me that not only had Nicholas not been there, he seemed to be living his life quite well without me, half a world away. My just-healed heart contracted, and strained to beat frantically.

My only hope
My only peace
My only joy
My only strength
My only power
My only life
My only love...

And I may write without shame that when I was again alone, I wept at the cruel deception of dreams.

~Finis--July 2nd~

"October" by Evanescence