The Benny Horror Picture Show

(based upon original songs from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" by Richard O'Brien)
parody lyrics by p q laertes

Opening Credits

Fangirls:
When the Mountie arrived
I'm glad that Ray survived
'cos Ben almost got him killed.
Diefenbaker was there
With our wonderful pair
Whose relationship went unfulfilled.
And we watched vicious Vic
Lead our Ben by his dick
How she caught out that Canadian!
When they were at their best
*It* Came From... CBS
To tear out the hearts of the fans.

Chorus:
How depressing, Due South ending
All Ben's niceness, unoffending
Now slash fans write it, Ray and Benny
Poor Meg, doesn't get any
No Oh Oh Oh Oh
Not in Due South, fandom fiction, DSX

Fangirls:
I know that Alliance
Stood up in defiance
When first CBS lost their clues
And they brought our boys back
Thought I'd have an attack
Seeing Ray in those tight prison blues
Marciano said he'd
Like to inbreed
And pulled in his wife on two eps
But Canucks have no clout,
CBS sold us out
Now the fanatics will have to take steps
'Cos it's

Chorus:
So depressing, Due South's ending
Ben's so nice, and unoffending
Slash fans keep writing, Ray and Benny
Poor Meg, doesn't get any
Wo Oh Oh Oh Oh
In our Due South, fandom fiction, DSX
Really good sex
In our Due South, fandom fiction, DSX
We use latex
In our Due South, fandom fiction,
D S X

Guarding the Consulate

Fraser:
Ray?

Ray:
Yes Fraser?

Fraser:
I've got something to say.

Ray:
Yes Fraser?

Fraser:
I really love the . . . punctual way . . . you picked me up... from the Consulate today.

Ray:
Fraser . . .

Fraser:
I've hunted fugitives out on the lam, Ray. (Yes Ray)
Froze, and did not give a damn, Ray. (Yes, Ray)
But I'm living on canned beans and spam, Ray. (Yes, Ray)
Now I'm doing one job and it's: stand, Ray and guard the Consulate

[Thatcher passes by.]

As a Mountie there's no one correcter (Inspector)
I'm as saintly and sweet as the Rector. (Inspector)
I've caught men worse than Hannibal Lechter! (Inspector)
Now all I am is a protector, Inspector, of the Consulate

Here's my serge and I'm wearing my Stetson
I'm a Mountie, Ray, understand
I'm not asking to be George Jetson
The R-C-M-P should be more grand!

Ray:
Door duty is all that you've got. (Frase)
And you know my career ain't so hot. (Frase)
Hell, I hate this crap, and you know what? (Frase)
I've one thing to say, it's sad, I'm mad, we're in a rut.
Fraser...

Fraser:
Oh Ray,

Ray:
What, Fraser?

Fraser:
I'll say.

Ray:
Say what?

Fraser:
Thiis is the day.

Fraser & Ray: We've got to find a better way!

Fraser:
And that's go straight up to Ottowa now Ray (Yes, Ray)
See if we can't find some way how Ray (Yes, Ray)
To get a new job, with some pow Ray (Yes, Ray)
'Cos I feel like a housefrou, somehow, guarding the consulate.
Oh Ray

Ray:
You bet.

Fraser:
Oh Ray.

Fraser & Ray:
(in disgust) Consulate.

Sweet Italian

Dr. Ray:
How do you do, I
See you've met my
Faithful talking Wolf
He's just a little bit deaf
But he's a master chef
A vending machine on the hoof.

Now don't freak out, or get the chills
'cos my feather boas are so tawny
Italian men don't often wear high heels
But my corsets are made by Armani
I'm just a sweet Italian
From Chicago, Illinois
Let me show you my spread

I know that disco is dead
But we could dance to Heart of Glass
Or for your DSWS attack
I've got a tape of Flashback
That'll knock you boys flat on your ass.

Fraser:
We don't intend to intrude,
Nor to be rude
We just need some directions

Ray:
Yeah, right.

Fraser: We're a little bit lost
But whatever the cost
We'll act with all . . . circumspection

Dr. Ray: So you've gone off the map, well, ain't that crap?
Guys, you came to the right place
I'll take care of you, it's the least I can do
I'll dress you up in leather and black lace
I'm just a sweet Italian
From Chicago, Illinois

Why don't you stay here with me?

Dief Wolf:
Me.

Dr. Ray:
We'll . . . try it with three?

Francesca:
Three.

Dr. Ray:
You've been giving me kinky ideas.
I might increase my bounty
With my very own Mountie
His bod will make me sing Ave Marias

I'm just a sweet Italian
From Chicago, Illinois
HIT IT, HIT IT!
I'm just a sweet Italian

Francesca, Dief Wolf, Thank-You-Kindly-Elaine:
Sweet Italian

Dr. Ray:
From Chicago

Francesca, Dief Wolf, Thank-You-Kindly-Elaine:
Illinois

Ray:
So - come up and see my Riv,
It's the best I've got to give
I promise not to leave you
. . . hanging.

I'll go work on the serge
I think I'm on the verge.
So I'll just go get to it.
And see you . . . later.

Parody Lyrics of "Opening Credits" "Guarding the Consulate" and "Sweet Italian" 1996 by p q laertes p q laertes
pqlaertes yahoo com
The Fake Book
Original music and lyrics by Richard ("I will belt you around the mouth and mouth you around the belt!") O'Brien from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
Due South created by Paul Haggis