Your Careful Deception
by Nora Avalon

What are you? 
Beautiful form betrays hideous faculty
You take life so that you may kill forever
You destroy purity and you spawn chaos
You feign infinite power and yet you shy meekly from the sun
You shun God so that you may worship yourself 

Where did you come from?
Out of the night and into my unsuspecting arms
You made me a demon and molded me in your image
You stole my innocence and my divinity and then mocked my desperation
You oppressed me and ruled me and showed me no mercy
You inspired my hatred and my resentment and my betrayal

How could I allow it?
Hiding a moment from the light the darkness found me
I cast off my honor and freedom in favor of everlasting life
I denied my own perfection and traded it for yours
I promised my soul to you and you tore it to shreds
I surrendered my life to you and you handed me hell on a silver platter

Why did I believe you?
Tragic naivete gave way to fatal misjudgments
You promise endless life but deliver endless pain
You pronounce faithfully your love then act only upon your hate
You ask me to trust you even as you feed upon my soul
You tell me you love me even as you destroy my will and shatter my dreams

Who have I become?
Your careful deception and gruesome teachings have conquered me
I crave murder and violence and death 
I inflict pain and terror and punish the innocent
I am frightened by my own savage lust
I am powerless to control the inner beast that devours the world before me

When will I be free?
I strive for righteousness but you force me back into depravity
I search for answers and beg for forgiveness but you slam the doors of 
hope in my face
I vainly attempt to escape you and foolishly hope to defeat you
And then you tell me you love me and I-
And I-
And I am forever yours

January '99